November 7, 2007
So I didn’t post yesterday. So sue me.
My LAND! I do NOT know how you people do it, you post-a-dayers. The intensity of it all! It’s just so intense! Don’t you think it’s intense? It’s all just so….. vehement and concentrated! (Right there what I gone and done was look up synonyms for ‘intense’ in my Thesaurus, that’s what I did done right there)
I have been rather busy lately and all day yesterday I worked two jobs. I am sort of working two different jobs right now. Let’s see, there’s the one where I work within my work environment and then there’s the one where I work performing work duties. So, as you can see, I am quite booked with vague job responsibility. (Right here what I done gone and done was mystify you as to what I do for my work(s). This is to avoid an unwanted and rather awkward situation in which some random internet stalker figured out where I worked my work(s) and then showed up all scary like upon the place of said work(s). Which in that case, I’m not sure what internet stalker guy (or gal I suppose, JENNIFER) would do to torture me after my capture, but I’m thinking it would probably have something to do with coercing me into reading complete sentences and forcing me to understand the meaning of punctuation marks and where they go. And I just can’t take that kind of risk.) The point here being that I was busy yesterday working two jobs back to back and then when I finally came home late last night I ad the choice of either trying to whip out a post within the 30 minutes I had at the end of the day or to watch the Desperate Housewives episode that was lovingly and patiently waiting on my DVR. And I chose the ladies of Wisteria Lane over you all. And I apologize for this my friends.
So, on to my blog post. Somehow I have neglected to mention this thus far. I have no idea how. It might have something to do with the two jobs and then the mothering of wee child and the wife-ing of manly husband. But it’s very significant. It’s a very significant occurance in my life. In OUR lives, my internets, in OUR lives.
So, depending on your opinion and location within the world, you may or may not agree with me that we live in the Country. It’s a subdivision, but it’s a subdivision in Idaho so we see Deer, Bald Eagles, Hawks, Raccoons and very rarely Bears and Mountain Lions. Now for someone like Pioneer Woman, that is a walk in Central Park and the thought that we would consider our subdivision “country” would make her fling a cow pie at me. But then for someone from the city this would seem as foreign and “country” as the actual act of birthing a colt. So, you might be laughing at me right now or you might be reading in awe, but the next sentence will likely seal the deal on whether or not you consider me “country” or not.
Ya’ll, there was a snake in our house. A snake. In our house. Alive. Slithering. Moving with life and being a snake.
Am I COUNTRY or what!?!?!
Well, before you answer that, consider the behavior I displayed upon discovering the snake. This is how it went down.
I had just picked my sleeping daughter up from the couch and completed a successful couch-to-bed transfer, a couch-to-bed transfer that INCLUDED STAIRS (this is huge, a huge feat). I come back down the stairs, round the corner and see a snake on the hardwood floor. I think to myself “Hm. Where did Delaney get a toy snake, I wonder? Grandpa must have given her that, that’s funny” and then it took it’s body and moved itself all snake and slithery like. At this time, all the breath in my body exited through my throat passageway in a hurl-form type action and my fight or flight mechanism kicked in. I flighted to the bedroom where my husband was sleeping. I woke him like this:
(Really exaggerated screaming whisper so as not to wake up wee child): OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH
Mike: WHAT is up with you?
Me: THIS ISN’T HAPPENING THIS ISN’T HAPPENING THIS ISN’T HAPPENING THIS ISN’T HAPPENING THIS ISN’T HAPPENING THIS ISN’T HAPPENING
Mike: HellOOOOO? What is going on?!
Me: SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE in. our. HOUSE!
Mike: (JUMPS UP!) OKAY! EVERYTHING IS FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE.
We go out to the Living Room where Mike takes one look at the snake and then turns around and walks back down the hall. I’m in the Smeagle/Gollum position on the kitchen counter, “WHERE ARE YOU GOING! YOU CAN’T JUST FORFEIT LIKE THAT! YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE ME HERE TO DEFEAT THE SNAKE USING MY OWN DEVICES! WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU!?!”
Mike comes back with two laundry baskets and acts as if he’s just brought in with him two snake euthenizers.
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE!?!
Mike starts flapping the laundry baskets as though he was flagging wild horses into a holding arena.
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?!
The snake quickly slithers into the office and stops under a pillow that was on the ground.
Me: WHERE IS HE GOING?! WHY HAVEN’T YOU STOPPED HIM YET?! KILL IT!
Mike disappears into the office. Just him, the snake and two laundry baskets.
Me, staying on the kitchen counter: DO YOU THINK THERE’S MORE? DO SNAKES TRAVEL IN HERDS? ARE THERE PACKS OF SNAKES?
All silence coming from the office.
Me: WHAT’S HAPPENING? I CAN’T WATCH BUT I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT”S HAPPENING. CAN YOU ANNOUNCE WHAT YOU’RE DOING PLAY BY PLAY MIKE?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Silence still from the office.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THERE IS A SNAKE IN OUR HOUSE! HOW DID HE GET IN! DID YOU LET HIM IN!? HE WAS ALL SLITHERING UP TO SUCK THE BLOOD OF OUR CHILD SLEEPING ON THE COUCH! HE WAS TRYING TO INJECT HIS POISONOUS VENOM INTO DELANEY BABE! KILL HIM!
Silence.
Me: BABE! YOU’RE PISSING ME OFF! WHAT IS GOING ON! YOU ARE BEING SO RUDE IN THERE!
Mike comes out of the office and walks to the garage.
Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! DID YOU KILL IT? WHERE IS IT!
Mike walks back holding a camera. He walks back into the office.
Me: IS IT SAFE TO COME DOWN OFF THE COUNTER NOW?!
I wait a few seconds and then carefully, watching exactly where I step, walk towards the door of the office.
My dashing young snake charmer had captured the creature. I shouldn’t be surprised, this wasn’t the first time he had protected our family and home from evil home intruders. I looked inside.
The snake curled up and tried to strike at us. It rattled it’s tail and gave us the the shivers. It was MEAN. Mean mean mean.
Mike was convinced that it was a baby rattle snake and so he killed it. But then after doing research online discovered that it was not a rattle snake and that it pretends to be one in order to confuse it’s attackers. So then we felt bad and gave it a proper burial. Poor snake. It was just putting on a big mean show but inside was nothing more than a sad and scared little snake. I’m like that all the time! I put on big mean shows and strike out too. But really I just need a hug. That’s all the snake needed was a hug. But we killed it.
I’m sorry snake.
I’m sorry we killed you but you and your kind need to learn that when big new subdivisions plant themselves in the middle of nowhere on your land, you can’t just go in the houses like that.
That picture is pretty gnarley isn’t it?
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Don’t forget to enter into the Giveaway! You know you want that Oprah Magazine subscription. And if this post made your insides squeeze with guilt and love for the snake, I also saw Reptile Lovers Magazine and I could throw that in the Giveaway too.
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November 7th, 2007 at 1:52 pm, Jess Says:
I am simultaneously repulsed by that snake and also entranced by its beautiful patterns. I’m glad it got a proper burial because now I feel kind of sorry for it. Even though I would totally have moved out of our house if there had been a snake in it. Leaving Torsten to pack up our stuff (doing a careful snake inspection as he went, obviously) and bring it to wherever I was in hiding.
November 7th, 2007 at 2:47 pm, misty Says:
Oh my gosh. What??? By other idahoans I have always been told this could never happen. I lived on a ranch in the coutry growin up. there were never snakes…
and now, I will fear, until the day I day, a snake in my house.
What???
I am in shock.
But in my oppinion, this is the one time it is ok to kill someone who needs a hug.
November 7th, 2007 at 3:01 pm, Karen Says:
You’re forgiven for not posting yesterday. I won’t sue you. I agree it’s HARD to post every day! I’ve started resorting to posting poems (not written by me) and excerpts from online articles.
But this post made up for you not posting yesterday…I loved how you described “assuming the Gollum position on the kitchen counter.” Perfect!
November 7th, 2007 at 4:28 pm, Mandy Says:
I would have cried. I don’t do snakes. Period. I scream when I see a wee wee baby garter out in its own land. I am petrified of them. Just seeing the pictures gives me shivers. You and Mike, you all are very, very brave. I don’t think I would have been able to sleep!
November 7th, 2007 at 5:13 pm, Julie Says:
Hilarious. Man I would have caught the snake for you. Poor snake.
November 7th, 2007 at 5:34 pm, Liesl Says:
Do you see me here? I am all scrunched up in my chair after reading your snake blog. IN YOUR HOUSE???!! That is insane. Gives me the heebeegeebees just thinking about it. But, since I laughed so hard while reading it the first time, I must go back and read said story once again.
November 7th, 2007 at 5:39 pm, emily Says:
Mike is a brave man. Moody is also a brave man. A few years ago the kids and I were playing around the family room and I saw a snake out of the corner of my eye– I totally freaked out! I screamed and then all the kids started screaming and like you, they jumped up on the kitchen counter. I’m standing there screaming and holding a broom to keep it back, it begins to hiss and raise its head!!
I called Moody at work and made him come home! Told him that he had to protect his family. Being the sweet guy that he is, he came. He quickly got the snake with the broom handle, threw him outside and because his wife was still screaming, cut the poor snakes head off with a nearby shovel. I was trying to run the “red and yellow, kill a fellow. Red and black, friend of Jack” through my head but I wasn’t thinking very clearly. Turns out he was probably more of the friendly variety too.
We think the snake came in the house via our live Christmas Tree. The same tree that I stuck my arm as far back on many branches to get the lights just so— I tried not to think about it.
So, Jamie, I feel your pain. Not fun but thankfully we are married to studs that protect their own:)
November 7th, 2007 at 6:04 pm, Tarah Says:
Jamie,
So, about 4 months ago we had a badger make our backyard and a neighbors his home. 1 week later we had a colony of bees decide to move and make a HUGE cluster on our backyard tree.
I live about 15 minutes away from you. I am more city than you.
Didn’t we have elk or deer running by the train depot a month ago? We are a valley surrounded by mountains.:)
November 7th, 2007 at 6:12 pm, boomama Says:
Seriously? If I had seen that snake IN MY HOUSE? I would have died or something. Just dropped plumb dead. Right then and there.
November 7th, 2007 at 9:10 pm, June Cutoff Cash Says:
My hair is standing on end, like in the cartoons. Your husband is a real man. That’s what my grandmother would have said. “There goes a REAL man.” I guess as opposed to a tea-drinking, scared of snakes kind of girly boy.
November 7th, 2007 at 10:41 pm, Rebecca Says:
dying laughing. seriously, when you talked about mike coming in with the laundry baskets. i. was. dying. laughing!
my husband loves snakes and used to keep them as pets. i’m glad he’s over that! and, he did capture a mouse (he called Stuart Litle) in a tupperware container a couple of weeks ago. we were eating lunch and looked over to see him standing by the hutch in the dining area - just looking up at us like he wanted to join us for lunch!
November 8th, 2007 at 5:05 am, Emma Says:
*shudder*
Ok, so we haven’t had a snake in our house, but in our last place we used to get a lot of redback spiders (icky dangerous native Australian spiders). Hubby would chop their legs off with his pocket knife and keep the bodies in an empty matchbox to show me. He’s not sadistic, he’s just a big 8 year old.
My only experience with a snake is when I was little and one ate my pet budgerigar (another Australian native… a bit like a small parrot). The snake swallowed it whole, then couldn’t get back out of the bird cage.
November 8th, 2007 at 9:09 am, dcrmom Says:
ACK! ACK! ACK!!!!!!!!
November 8th, 2007 at 4:50 pm, Chandra Says:
We have seen numerous snakes outside of our home and we have had our share of crickets, spiders and ants inside our home but the moment I see a snake inside, it’s all over. My sister had two snakes in her house (one of which, I found). I had the hardest time falling asleep that night (thank goodness it was my last night there). But they were wee babies compared to this one. How did he get in???? Yikes!
Good luck w/your ehhh… snake problem.
At least the bedrooms are upstairs!
November 8th, 2007 at 9:08 pm, Tam Says:
OK….I’m an animal lover and all, but No. Freakin’. Way. could I get all warm and mushy about finding a snake in my house. There’s a limit, my dear. A limit.
November 9th, 2007 at 10:34 am, sari Says:
Oh I get a stomachache just LOOKING at it. Yikes.
November 9th, 2007 at 11:43 am, Beth J Says:
My son, the warrior. I’m so proud.
Momma J
November 9th, 2007 at 12:35 pm, Sarah Says:
YOu did such a good job describing the snake capture that I was having a little hyperventilations going on. Did DH use that stapler on the floor to get him into the tub? I am trying to imagine a Crocodile Dundee type save here! I am glad you took pictures because I was envisioning laundry baskets with HOLES in them where the snake could GET OUT!!
We had a snake in our garage a couple months ago and my poor 12 year old had to beat the life out of it with a shovel when it tried to strike at us (it was also a benign copycat snake after all was done, but geesh… when it pretends to be mean, we believed it). I then had to finagle (is that a word?) it into an empty milk jug… head first… still wriggling… with a combination stick and hand shovel and threw it in the garbage can!
I think I would have had a stroke it it had been in my house! I would say that you qualify as a country girl!!!
Sarah
November 9th, 2007 at 12:59 pm, Abby Says:
Jamie,
Wow! That’s crazy!!! I would flip if I saw that in my house- just thinking about it freaks me out!! You two were brave– very brave!!!
November 9th, 2007 at 12:59 pm, Stephanie Says:
This was just a great story.
I loved the descriptions. I can suggest a meerkat they take care of those pesky little snakes. Think Riki Tiki Tavi. LOL
November 10th, 2007 at 12:39 pm, Mrs. Baker Says:
My husband is TERRIFED of snakes! He would have never saved the day like your hero hubby. He would have just screamed like a girl and ran upstairs to hide.
…And then never been able to fall asleep in our house again!
November 12th, 2007 at 1:29 pm, StorkWatcher Says:
UGH. Ugh ugh ugh. You oughta get with the gal who posts spiders from outside her kitchen window - can’t remember which one it is, but your snakes could eat up her nasty nasty spiders.
I AM SHIVERING with the shivers and heebie jeebies right now! ICK.
Have you ever seen the movie Rikki Tikki Tavi? (Or read Rudyard Kipling’s story)? That’s what I thought of - those deadly cobras stealing into the house at night to go after the little child…. UGH!