November 4, 2007
Alright. The gloves come off. This is it, the creepiest of the creepies. The weirdest of the weirdies.
After dealing with Pup-Killer and Drug Dealer, we were DETERMINED to not move next to a lunatic again. Is it so much to ask? Really?
We went house hunting and even if we LOVED the house, we’d skip over it if the neighbors looked even REMOTELY un-normal IE: no over grown weeds, no sketchy cars, no “keep out” signs, no bumper stickers besides Jesus ones, if you had your CHRISTMAS LIGHTS up too long, we probably would have refused to live next to you during this juncture in our lives.
But then, we found it. The most adorable, perfect, ideal, charming old remodeled farmhouse minutes from downtown Boise. EVERYTHING was beautiful about this place even down to the shower heads. It was amazing, something Martha Stewart would have been able to walk through without hyperventilating. We were in love. We took a magnifying glass to the neighbors. Three or Four houses down to the right, a guy had fake grass in his front lawn and 3 or 4 houses down to the left, a house was a bit run down. But the IMMEDIATE neighbors looked awesome. We were ESPECIALLY impressed with the house directly across the street. Gary’s house.
We hardly felt it was necessary to ask given that the yard was IMMACULATE and the house itself was PERFECT in every way but we still decided to casually ask the Seller what the little red house across the street was about. The Seller briskly mentioned that he was an “older man who gives vegetables away, he’s harmless.”
RED FLAG #1. Her mentioning that he was “harmless” indicates that there would be reason to suspect harm. Who describes someone as “harmless” unless that someone has a history of acting all creepy-like?
Red flag ignored.
We buy the house.
We love love love it. We can’t believe how perfect it is. Yada yada yada.
Enter Gary.
If this is the “old man” that the Seller mentioned, she had got to be nuts because this guy was ANYTHING but “old man”. He was as agile and fast-paced as Superman on steroids. The guy was everywhere. Raking, watering, painting, washing his car, washing his dog, picking weeds, setting out bird food, fixing the irrigation ditch, this this this, that that that, I was tired just WATCHING him. It was like this daily. It was fascinating.
He was INTENSE. We liked that about him though. I remember thinking after our first conversation in which he fixed his long hair into a bun about 5 times and changed his stance about 50 while his bug eyes were popping out that THIS GUY was INTENSE. You could feel your eyebrows raising without you telling them to during every encounter you had with Gary. But we liked him. A lot, actually.
He was INSANELY talented. I mean, WOW, talented. His gardens were phenomenal, he sold his vegetables to all the top 5-star restaurants in Boise. His shop was filled with dozens and dozens of old vintage bicycles that he restored to absolute perfection and then sold to these obscure vintage bike collectors from all over the world, he even sold one to Bruce Willis. And Bruce wasn’t the only famous person that Gary had shot the shiz with. Take your pick of any 1970’s folk band legends and Gary probably did drugs with them, The Greatful Dead being his favorite story to tell.
But maybe, just MAYBE, doing hard drugs continually for a decade has some sort of physiological affect on you. JUST hear me out. We think it’s possible that continual dropping of acid has it’s side effects. Just hear me out.
After only 5 or 6 weeks of beautiful neighborly bliss, things started to go askew. We couldn’t help but notice that Gary HATED our next door neighbors Dan and Mandy. We noticed this after Gary pulled us aside one night to tell us, all bug-eyed and jittery-like that Dan and Mandy were METH DEALERS and that he KNEW it without a SHADOW of a doubt! They were KINGPINS, TROUBLE! He’d say, and they were RUINING his street.
RED FLAG #2. HIS street? Everyone says “my street” “our street” and takes verbal possession of their street like this, but GARY, he meant it like he was the GODFATHER of his street. Like he was the GANGSTA of his street, the DADDY. And he meant it.
Red flag ignored. Again.
He HATED Dan and Mandy SO MUCH that if they came out into their front yard even for ONE MINUTE, Gary would scream at them like a wild screaming Banshee and then run inside his house.
Well, we didn’t get it. Dan and Mandy did not seem like drug dealers and we should know, we’d lived next to one before. They were sweet and friendly, soft spoken and smiley. They named their dog Aja after a sci-fi fairy book they were reading. They watered their yard, they took care of their dog, they barbecued tofu or whatever it is that hippies eat. And they LOOKED normal too. I don’t know if any of you have had the pleasure of looking upon the face of a Meth Addict, but let me tell you, it is QUITE EVIDENT that they are a Meth Addict. One of the ingredients in Meth is Industrial CONCRETE CLEANER, undiluted and packed into a tiny pill along with loads of other junk that rots your mind and eats your guts apart from the inside out. They go delusional thinking that bugs are crawling under their skin and so those open ghastly sores you see all over their arms and face? That’s them digging at their own skin in an attempt to free the bugs and then their immune system is shot so the self-inflicted wounds never heal. They walk around like zombies with open wounds all over their faces. And Dan and Mandy were not zombies with open wounds all over their faces. Something was up.
One night, I heard them on their back patio and so I snuck into the back yard and pretended to water the plants. I finally worked up the courage to flat out ask them over the fence: Hey, uh, what’s the deal with you guys and Gary?
Silence. Crap, I took it a step too far.
Mandy: We don’t talk about it outside.
Now it was my turn to be silent.
Me: What?
Mandy: We don’t talk about him outside. He hears.
Me: (Big eyes, darting off to each side) Really? That’s somewhat creepy, I’m not gonna lie.
Mandy: If you want we can talk with you inside your house?
Me: Meet you at the front door in five minutes.
Come to find out, Dan and Mandy are INDEED…… totally frickin normal. They had been living next door for two years and know Gary like the back of their hand. We got the low down and listened with jaws dropped as the truth about our wack-job of a neighbor was unfolded before our eyes.
He was your best friend at first. Free prize-winning vegetables, free bouquets of beautiful flowers, friendly conversations and even offers to make you dinner. But then one day, he’ll change and it will never be the same. He’ll become mean, spiteful, loud, intrusive Gary and it will catch you so off guard you’ll swear it was a prank. His reasons will seem validated in his mind, something will tweak and he’ll turn on you. He always turns on the people he becomes too close to. And since we had broken bread with him, toured his home, sampled his vegetables, we suspected this meant US.
Great. Right? Perma-Fried Anger Issues over here is now our new neighbor. LOVELY.
Dan and Mandy left that night and as they walked down our front walk-way and through our cute white picket gate we looked up and saw the tiniest but undeniable crack in Gary’s blinds. He was watching us. We nearly started to cry. This GIANT red flag was not being ignored.
Things changed after that. Gary did NOT like us conversing with his enemy like we did. We were black-listed. His mood changed. He yelled at a little girl for picking his flowers, full on YELLED at her at the top of his lungs with her Daddy standing right there! Her Daddy almost busted the Godfather’s arse there before the Godfather ran back inside his house. Then he yelled at Arlis, the sweet gray-haired Grandma who walks her power walks every morning. Something about his water shares not being up to par and he brought out his angry pointing finger and went to town on that poor old woman. Before I could throw on a coat and head out there, she was gone. And so was our feeling of our home being a refuge.
I went out of town one weekend on a girls trip and I remember getting a call from Mike. He did it babe, he says, he freaked out on me. It had happened.
Apparently, Mike was in the street when Gary came at him in full force, physically pushing him and yelling at him to get off his property, get off his street. Mike was floored. And even more so when the cops showed up a few minutes later. Gary was reporting us for trespassing on his property and dealing Meth.
Hello. Have we met? I’m Jamie, your friendly blogger here at the Battle Station and on the side, I like to dabble in a little Meth dealing. Who doesn’t these days, you know?
Well, NEEDLESS to say, we were not found guilty of ANYTHING including harboring terrorists or developing a vile of mad cow disease or whatever else Gary wanted to accuse us of. And the GOOD news was that all our other neighbors rallied around us in support of the newest family attacked by Gary, the neighborhood freak show.
The madness continued with more 911 calls on Gary’s part, more yelling, more swearing, more spying, he even started taking pictures of Dan and Mandy when they were outside which led us to believe that he was ALSO taking pictures of US when we were outside. Mike took it upon himself to make a GIANT white banner with the words “WE ARE NOT DRUG DEALERS” written in large letters and placed it on the front porch. We were sinking to his level. He was getting to us.
After months and months of never opening the blinds, never going in the front yard, never letting our child see the angry displays of madness erupting out of Gary on a daily basis, we forfeited. We gave up and we left.
We had MASSIVE guilt about selling that CURSED place to another unsuspecting couple. In fact, we sabotaged a few deals until we felt the perfect family had found it. They were country. No-nonsense, no small talk, hardly any talk at all in fact, mid-fifties retired military couple. We knew they’d think Gary was weird from the get-go and would therefore NOT initiate friendship. They’d steer clear of him and then in turn, Gary would steer clear of them. That’s how it worked. You had to be the un-threatening, completely distant from his life type people in order to live next to Gary and we felt we had found that.
We swung by a couple months later after a package was inadvertently delivered to the old house. We asked if they had any troubles with Gary and they looked at us like “Why would we have troubles with Gary?” which we took as a VERY good sign. Or at least I tell myself this to make me feel better. It’s this or booze people, this or booze.
And there you have it. We now reside in Stepford where Perma-fried Wack-jobs don’t live, where Dog-killers don’t get away with being dog-killers and where drug dealers are forced to operate at a much higher and more dignified level at least.
Thanks for listening guys. This was very theraputic for me to verbally vomit all over you in these last three posts. Now as your reward, tomorrow I will be posting the details of my FIRST EVER GIVEAWAY! It’s an awesome prize too, if I say so myself. Something I, MYSELF, would want to receive as a gift. And we all know the best way to give gifts is by thinking of yourself.
Go ahead, give it a guess. What do you think the prize will be? What do you WANT the prize to be? 
See you tomorrow!
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November 4th, 2007 at 5:50 am, Emma Says:
What a freakazoid. I can’t help but think how funny it would be to see the big giant sign declaring your drug dealing innocence on the porch!
November 4th, 2007 at 8:13 am, dcrmom Says:
Good Lord. It takes TALENT to find three neighbors like that!
Looking forward to your giveaway! A purse? LOL!!
November 4th, 2007 at 8:34 am, erinthebeekeeper Says:
OH MY GOODNESS!
How on EARTH did you mange to find THREE freaks like this. AHAHAHAHAH
I hope stepford is treating you better.
Ohhhhh
Guess who is probably moving to Seattle Next fall!
November 4th, 2007 at 10:15 am, Stuart Says:
Hello, Thank you so much for writting about the guy accross the street. You are easy to read. and it keeped my attion.
Thanks. Stuart
November 4th, 2007 at 10:23 am, June Cutoff Cash Says:
We had a similar neighbor who lived above us in a duplex. That was the best place I ever lived, in the greatest neighborhood. We had to leave because of that idiot. I feel your pain. Glad you picked the No Nonsensers to live there.
I am hoping the giveaway is a pink diamond tiara. Am I right?
November 4th, 2007 at 11:22 am, Jess Says:
I’m so glad that this time you seem to have finally avoided having insane neighbors! It really seems unfair. Is the prize the “We are not drug dealers” sign from your old front porch?
November 4th, 2007 at 12:18 pm, Becca Says:
What the heck? How is it even possible to have three in a row like that?
Is the prize the movie, “Arlington Road”?
November 4th, 2007 at 12:43 pm, Julie Says:
Wow. You need to move to my street! No nut jobs here in LA. (that sounds kind of like an oximoron, doesn’t it?) Seriously, my little tree-lined street in The Valley is bliss. That house is still for sale across the street!
November 4th, 2007 at 1:11 pm, walternatives Says:
Gary was the big ol’ cherry on the Horrid Neighbors sundae. Yikes! I’m with Jess, thinking that the prize is the banner made for your last front porch. Hmmm. Maybe not - I’m not sure you would want that as a present. I’ll tune in tomorrow to see.
November 4th, 2007 at 3:17 pm, Chandra Says:
Wow, what a run of crazy, bad, luck. So far we’ve done okay in the neighbor department although now you have me fearing our next move. Yikes! Is it a Boise thing?
November 4th, 2007 at 3:22 pm, mandy Says:
My goodness you have had some bad neighbors. My family and I have lived in the same house for almost 21 years now only in the past few years have we gotten a crazy neighbor. I think I just found the topic for my next blog! LOL. Thanks for sharing!
November 4th, 2007 at 3:49 pm, sari Says:
I’m glad you’ve gotten away from him, he sounds scary.
November 4th, 2007 at 4:43 pm, chou-chou Says:
My LORD woman - I can’t believe the shitty luck you’ve had with neighbors. I’ve had a few annoying or slightly creepy ones, but nothing even close to the extravaganza of weird that you’ve had to deal with.
November 4th, 2007 at 6:51 pm, Margie Says:
Holy crap again - and although we’ve never encountered any neighbors quite like yours, I’m absolutely with you on keeping neighborly distance. Too much friendliness with neighbors is highly overrated, I think.
I hope your current neighborhood remains event-free for the duration of your stay there!
November 4th, 2007 at 9:03 pm, Melissa Says:
Oh My! I would be standoff neighbor lady too, if I had your streak!
November 4th, 2007 at 10:54 pm, Erin O' Says:
Gary, wow! That is intense. I need to go back and read about Lyle. I’ll save that for tomorrow. Now I need to go back and talk about weird neighbors, what a Great Idea!
As to give-away: how about cookies? I like cookies. Homemade ones. Or size 7 1/2 shoes barely worn. Or fancy lotions you don’t like the smell of, but which I do?
November 4th, 2007 at 11:51 pm, Rebecca Says:
la-la-la-la-LOVE your stories!! I have many of my own to share about my current crazy neighbors. However, my husband is THE nice guy on the street - the one that knows EVERY single neighbor.
and, I’m guessing from your post that the give away is going to be meth…