November 3, 2007

I lie. I tease. We’re actually going to go backward before we go forward.

So BEFORE bright eyed and bushy tailed wipper snapper couple bought their first home they rented a charming little bungalow in what’s known as “The North End” (otherwise known as “Hippity Stuffity Over-pricity Snootville”). The North End is desirable because of it’s historic and charming houses, it’s incense and it’s close proximity to downtown Boise but it’s also playing russian roulette in the neighbor department. You’ll get a weirdo neighbor, that’s for sure, but what KIND OF weird they are is never FULLY known until you have already signed on the dotted line. The Weird-Interesting-Sometimes-Naked-But-Nice Combination is much preferred but never guaranteed.

In our case, we got Lyle.

This particular nightmare is really going to affect you dog-lovers out there. Or you any-kind-of-animal lovers out there. Or you humans with human hearts out there.

Our backyard and Lyle’s backyard ran parallel and although there was a row of medium-sized shrubs (or shrubery, whathaveyou) planted along the fence line, it was only a chain link fence and you could still very clearly see into each other’s backyards.

Things started out fine. We noticed that Lyle would let his grass grow to a thigh-high length and then trudge out and attempt to mow it like that leaving us all with the visual affect of the Lord of the Flies kids trying to chop down the thicket looking for Piggy. Lyle also, apparently, had a wife and baby? He talked about them incessantly (usually in a shamelessly mean way) but we were beginning to think they were a figment of his imagination, sort of like imaginary friends until we finally caught a glimpse of them one day. It would be the ONLY time we saw his wife in the entire 2 years that we lived there. It was so abrupt and quick and somewhat surreal that it left us wondering if we had ever actually seen her at all, like she was an illusion. But we DID see his child quite a few times the following summer again, clearing up the doubts that the wife in fact DID exist, we DID see her that day last year. We would watch the little toddler boy waddle around the yard and then fall into one of the many massive trenches that his Dad had dug the previous spring in an attempt to install sprinklers by himself.

So Lyle obviously wasn’t going to school for a Landscape Design Degree but he was friendly, typically kept to himself and seemed lonely so we tried to look past all the quirkiness.

Well, it turns out Lyle WAS lonely, because the second summer we lived there, Lyle bought a dog. And not just any dog, a really expensive LARGE dog. One that looked like this. And up went a chain link kennel-thing in the backyard, right along our fence line.

We were pretty stoked about Big White Dog at first, even though we, as a rule, don’t dig dogs. The whole smelly, chew up your stuff and find feces on your carpet thing doesn’t generally work for us. Plus their EYES, their SAD SAD PLAY WITH ME EYES, we can’t TAKE THE GUILT! But that’s not to say that we don’t like dogs, we like YOUR dog but we no likey a dog of our own. Kind of like how Paris Hilton should never do kids, we should never do dogs. So back to Lyle and Big White Dog, we were stoked at first because we could see Big White Dog and have the benefit of looking at a cute dog without the responsibility of caring for one. Or so we thought.

We were wrong about that last point and soon realized it when after a few weeks, Big White Dog was never let out of his kennel. And Big White Dog looked hungry. And Big White Dog looked sad. It was also turning into Fall really quickly and since Boise only has about 3 hours of Fall before it’s Winter again, we knew this was bad news for our over-the-fence puppy.

We took it upon ourselves to feed Big White Dog. We’d toss over hot dogs and leftovers, treats and bones, anything we thought a dog would be able to eat without shatting it out in liquid form which we knew would never get cleaned up. We continued to feed him but couldn’t get water to him without actually trespassing onto Lyle’s property. We tried a hose and that worked for awhile before it got too cold. And we get to feeling bad about continually spraying him in the face. But the food tossing and water spraying couldn’t help the fact that the animal was caged and going mad. Really and truly, going insane, spinning in circles and pacing back and forth like a leopard about to pounce on it’s prey. I don’t do dogs but I can tell you that EVEN I was affected by watching this. It was terrible.

We couldn’t take it anymore. We called the Humane Society even though we knew Lyle would know it was us who called. The folks at the Humane Society took one look at the dog’s living conditions, the mud, the feces, the inches of freezing cold water he was standing in and stuck a note on the door that said, in effect, “You Rotten Scumbag, Clean up the mess or were taking your beloved pet that you CLEARLY care so much about. You have 24 hours and we’ll be back. DO NOT mess with hard core animal lovers. Loser.”

Immediately, Lyle was out there shoveling up the filth, put out new water, put out new food and let Big White Dog run around the yard for awhile. Big White Dog was elated. He was overcome with joy. His OWNER! His family! He forgives them! He loves them!

Phew! Right? Close call! Even though Big White Dog was skinnier than ever, things were looking up! Thank the stars, this man is now going to show his dog the decency that at least a sewer rat gets. Right?

Wrong. Not only did the brief stint in human decency only last about a week, but Lyle was now trying to win us back over by continually knocking on our front door and asking me to pick out outfits for his wife. He would bring her clothes over and ask me to choose which ones I liked. Mike told him to stop. Things were getting creepier by the minute.

Me: I thought the threat from the Humane Society solved the problem but it’s right back to where it was before they came.

Angry Lesbian Favorite Co-Worker Friend of Mine, Holly: He’s a DESPICABLE human being! I hope he burns in HELL!

Me: I know. I guess we should call the Humane Society again.

Holly: F THAT! I’m going to kidnap the dog.

Me: What?

Holly: I don’t give a rat’s! I’ll bust on into that F-er’s yard and KIDNAP the dog! Rachel and I will do it tonight!

Me: Uh….

Holly: Jamie, we are ANIMAL RESCUERS. Anytime the Pound is about to put an animal down, they call us and we take it. At our house right now, we have 8 dogs and 12 cats that we rescued from death. We are RESCUING Big White Dog tonight.

Me: Well, let me call the Humane Society again first. I don’t want you and Rachel to get charged with Felony of Dog Snatching.

That was the plan. I would call the Humane Society again and if that didn’t work after the second attempt, I would call in Angry Lesbian Dog Rescuers.

But, the next day, Big White Dog was gone! GONE! I thought for sure that Holly and Rachel ignored my intentions and kidnapped him anyway but then Mike and I saw them. Big White hair tufts stuck in the trees, floating on branches and resting on shrubs. Big White hair tufts EVERYWHERE.

Mike was livid. He immediately approached Lyle and asked where the dog was. Lyle’s reply? It was such a shame but the dog died. Ya, guess it had some sort of stomach bug.

THAT or you starved it and drove it insane you evil putrid crap bag.

I couldn’t even bring myself to tell Angry Lesbians about what happened, that they could have saved Big White Dog but that I wouldn’t let them and now it was too late. That this poor animal lived like that for MONTHS and then died just days before it’s salvation would have come in the form of cynical scowling Lesbians was unnerving. I was mad. Mad at myself but more mad at Lyle. Creepy neighbor #1. The first of the triad of creepy neighbors.

First, dog-killer. Second, drug dealer. Third, you’ll have to tune in tomorrow. Plus, get your nightmare neighbor stories ready, we’re about to have a give-away. I feel one of you other ruined stand-offish neighbors deserves a little treat for your suffering. I know I do.

RSS feed for comments on this post.
TrackBack URI

13 Responses to “Love thy Neighbor? Part 2”

1. November 3rd, 2007 at 3:06 am, Emma Says:

   Interesting that you’ve started NaBloPoMo on this topic, as we got new neighbors this morning! A couple - the guy’s name is Mark. I know this because the girl has already loudly bossed him around, waking me up and resulting in me not feeling very neighborly.

2. November 3rd, 2007 at 7:37 am, dcrmom Says:

   Ick! Ick! GAG. Shudder.

3. November 3rd, 2007 at 10:30 am, Becca Says:

   I want to throw up.

4. November 3rd, 2007 at 11:10 am, misty Says:

   Oh my gosh… That nauseated the hell out of me, just reading it. What is wrong with people? Obviously the both of them, (goraphobic wife and his dog abusing ass) were slightly nuts… but still. How could he not not know what he was doing???
   and picking out his wife’s clothes? That anyone could contemplate asking a neighbor to do that is beyond strange…
   your drug addict neighbor was a major upgrade!

5. November 3rd, 2007 at 11:35 am, Jess Says:

   Oh my god. This is a horrible, tragic story. And what a creepy freak. He actually showed up at your door asking you to help pick out outfits for his wife? Sounds like he was as controlling of her as he was of the dog. How frightening.

6. November 3rd, 2007 at 12:02 pm, starfish Says:

   Holy crap, what a disturbing story. I can’t think of anything else to say!

7. November 3rd, 2007 at 5:51 pm, Chandra Says:

   Can I just tell you that I want to punch Lyle in the face? Does he still live there? Scream! What’s wrong with people?

8. November 3rd, 2007 at 7:53 pm, Julie Says:

   Ack! I’m with you on not being a dog person but even that would tug at my heart strings.

   And what is with him asking you to pick outfits for his wife???? WEIRDO!

9. November 3rd, 2007 at 9:31 pm, Judy Says:

   Oh Man. Too bad the “cynical scowling Lesbians” couldn’t have beaten up Lyle. Or put done to him like he done to Big White Dog. YEAH!!! THAT’S the ticket!

10. November 4th, 2007 at 6:43 pm, Margie Says:

    Holy crap! And I thought WE had nutty neighbors!

11. November 4th, 2007 at 9:47 pm, emily Says:

    Back from my trip and getting caught up- I like this Jamie-posting-everyday thing:)

    As a dog lover– that makes me really sad. Off to read #3.

12. November 5th, 2007 at 10:13 am, Stephanie Says:

    WE could form a posse and beat him up. In fact I believe we should give Lyle the “big white dog” treatment.

    ARGH that made me so mad. I am sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine. Maybe voodoo lady isn’t so bad?

13. November 5th, 2007 at 12:59 pm, Ericka Wagner Says:

    H.O.L.Y.

    C.R.A.P.

    Wow, wow, wow.

    Choking back tears. Can’t even deal.

    You must have been incredibly stressed. So sad…..

    I worry about the kid, you know?