November 2, 2007
You know what I have recently acknowledged about myself? That I’m the stand-offish neighbor lady. I’m her.
I’m her and I love it. I will now always and forever be stand-offish neighbor lady, I am accepting the title, I am NOT interested in my neighbor’s lives, they are NOT interested in mine, this is WHO I AM, I’m not ever turning back, I AM stand-offish neighbor lady, I’m her.
Perhaps you have a stand-offish neighbor on YOUR street. Perhaps you think they are rude or arrogant or weird or shy but THINK ABOUT THIS, Ms. Popular Street, Ms. Casual Barbeque’s, Ms. WELCOME BASKET. Stand-offish Neighbor Lady? NORMAL. That’s right. NORMAL. And super duper friendly. mmmkay. Normal and super duper friendly but RUINED. Alright? You think of that? Normal Stand-offish Lady is RUINED, battle-ridden, scarred, closed off from the neighbor-inflicted scars of streets past. Stand-offish Neighbor Lady is UNABLE to open up, to let you in (literally and figuratively) because she’s damaged.
It’s not funny.
You probably don’t understand. How could you? All you’ve ever known your whole street life is gardens and water fights and cheerful dog-walkers. Homeowner Associations and neighborhood bulletins, happiness and eternal prosperity.
I laugh in the FACE of your delusional street life.
Take a moment to consider this:
A bright-eyed and bushy tailed young wipper-snapper couple decide to buy their first house. Their first HOME together. They are pregnant with their first child (even though they still haven’t come to terms with the fact that they ACTUALLY had sex) and are excited to buy a house like REAL grownups. Even though there is a LUMBER YARD directly across the street from their charming abode, they take comfort in the fact that the surrounding homes are well kept and sweetly “old town”. Even though the neighbors house has a trailer parked in the back yard, they take comfort in knowing that the Owner says it’s temporary, that his 45 year old son just needed a quick crash pad. And EVEN THOUGH across the back alleyway is a breeding ground for pit bulls, they take comfort in the fact that they are caged (Pit bulls like being caged, right?).
All systems are a go, the couple has the house painted, dead trees removed, a new fence installed, new grass put down and continues buying adorable items for the nursery.
2-3 months into their picturesque family sitcom, the young bride hears that the pit bulls? Not liking the caged thing so much. One got out and killed the other one. But more disturbing was the fact that the temporary trailer was becoming more and more homey to it’s occupants. Homey as in black trash bags taped up all over the windows, strange flags being raised and “Keep Out” signs that are reminiscent of a 5-year-old’s bedroom door. The bride stays up one night to take note of all the nightly happenings and it’s the FUNNIEST THING but once you ACTUALLY paid attention, you realized that there were dingy and rotted-out cars pulling up to the back alley way EVERY 30 minutes on the dot throughout the night. They would stay for roughly 5 minutes and leave again. SO. BIZARRE. Right? I thought, now what COULD they be doing? Were they picking up canned food for a hunger drive? Were they collecting night crawlers for fishing? I was so confused, by golly! I was confused because I was a nice Mormon girl who wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt. The reality, though, was that our dirt bag neighbor was a drug dealer.
Now, this proved especially inconvenient for ME given that at the time, my dashing young Groom was working the pre-load shift at UPS and would often leave me ALONE in the home starting at 2:30 in the morning. Pregnant and scared and alone. No amount of reading scripture verses would make me feel safe in those early morning hours. Looking back at my life and trying to pinpoint when it was I decided I wasn’t Mormon anymore, I can say it was AFTER this period because, Honey, I was a BELIEVER in those wee hours of the morn. But I was going insane with fear.
We called the police, they staked out the place but the dirt bags caught on and by the time the police raided the trailer, they had gutted it. And THEN we were living next to a dirt bag that knew we called the cops on him. Not exactly neighborly are we? Not exactly over-the fence chit-chat material. We packed up and left. We left our cute house that we labored on together and left the creepies behind. This wouldn’t be the last time that we let creepies drive us from our home.
I lightly mention future creepy neighbor in this post and this one but you’ll have to check back again tomorrow to get the full story. It’s psychotically disturbing and it will make you SO GLAD that you live on happy street. But I’m hoping it will also give you some insight into why Stand-Offish Neighbor Lady is so stand-offish. She has her reasons and they’re ugly.
Posted by Jamie @ 1:36 am • Boise in the Hood, random goodness
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November 2nd, 2007 at 5:07 am, Emma Says:
Creepyville indeed.
When we first got married and lived in an apartment, our neighbors had very loud arguments (and very loud intimate relations when they were making up from those arguments.) Same neighbor saw a towel of ours hanging out to dry, and accused me of stealing it from her.
A few years later we had a drunk neighbor who would repeatedly say ‘One Eyed Jake!’ in a loud sing-songy voice as he walked the street in the middle of the night.
November 2nd, 2007 at 9:08 am, emily Says:
I really had you pegged as the banana bread making neighbor:) I can’t wait to continue this journey tomorrow. This is fun reading about your life on a daily basis!
November 2nd, 2007 at 9:25 am, JMC Says:
I am also the stand-offish neighbor, except not for good reasons like you. I just don’t like the whole ‘feel the need to make small talk’ thing. Too much pressure. I’m happier listening and not talking at all, but that’s not really socially acceptable unless your neighbors are completely narcissistic. Luckily for me, there’s an even MORE stand-offish neighbor next door to me, so stand-offish in fact, that I have NEVER set eyes on the man (I have met his wife - once), and we have lived here for almost 5 years. So I’m not the complete nutjob. He is.
November 2nd, 2007 at 9:25 am, Jess Says:
Wow. At least you have an excuse for being a standoffish neighbor. I am also standoffish but it’s more because I’d rather not know that much about the people who we hear having sex. That’s what it’s like in an apartment building, I guess.
November 2nd, 2007 at 9:47 am, zoom Says:
We live in what we term the bermuda triangle of weirdness in our neighborhood. It is as if character’s from 60’s sitcoms have taken up residence around us. Otis the town drunk, Gladys Kravets, and Ernest T Bass all live within spitting distance of our home.
I feel your pain.
November 2nd, 2007 at 10:00 am, Mandy Says:
We are the standoffish neighbor people too, well I guess we are more of the wave as we drive down the hill kinda people. We know who are neighbors are and thats enough for us! Love your blog!
November 2nd, 2007 at 10:08 am, Stephanie Says:
I am the curious neighbor like you were at first, who’s living next to me.
I have really friendly elderly couple to the left. Great people…my dog loves their poodle and he doesn’t mind said barker doing his thing.
On the right - voodoo lady and husband. Now voodoo lady is scary..not just like perception scary, she looks at you and you get the heebies. They have chickens and now I swear they run a chop shop out of the garage. This man has a lot of cars coming to get “repaired”, but why are you repairing cars at 11pm at night with cars coming and going. And they see no issue with yelling across the street. These particular neighbors bug me a lot, because they think that the property behind our house (a thin strip is theres), well now thats ok with me cause my tree guy said their trees are going to go and possibly land on my property. I need a better car. My kitchen does need a remodel. There friends would come over and torture my dog and make him nuts, by sticking their hands over the fence, poking at him and stuff. And they steal my childrens toys. Yep my kids had an arobi frisbee go over the fence, but because of their ages they couldn’t go get it. We saw it hanging in his carport the next day…do arobi’s fall out of the sky? They knew who’s it was, but chose to be butts to my kids even though my kids could see it.
The neighbors across from us are nice - they are, but they are little boys with muscle cars who like to squeel their tires and scare my girls.
I can’t wait to hear you finish the tale of the neighbors.
November 2nd, 2007 at 10:39 am, Tarah Says:
What’s wrong with being the friendly, cookie giving, bannana bread neighbor? I might be like this. Do I scare the neighbors??? My last neighbors we just left made us dinner and the other brought us home made empanadas. Chandler took a big basket of tomatoes around to share…. HMMM do you think the neighbors secretly hate me??
November 2nd, 2007 at 10:44 am, misty Says:
ME TOO!!! Totally stand offish neighbor lady. Part of it is because my daughter and I moved home and my husband stayed behind until he finds a job. (it’s been months, it sucks) and It feels really vulnerable to clue complete strangers in to that.
But a lot of it is because we have had horrible neighbors in the past… life is just better (and drama free) this way.
November 2nd, 2007 at 10:50 am, mama2roo Says:
I cannot WAIT to read more!
November 2nd, 2007 at 11:13 am, Waitingformaddie Says:
I feel your pain. I had the ultimate trash across from us. They would get into fights in front of us (and their kids) in the front law.
Come on, if you are going to engage in drunkin’ husband beating (yes you read that right) do it in the back yard.
I called them the show and was quick with the 911. They were named the show b/c they put one on for us each week. They have since moved.
November 2nd, 2007 at 11:47 am, Julie Says:
Here in LA, EVERY neighbor is a stand-offish neighbor. (including myself) Not much goes beyond the “hello” wave. Thankfully no creepy neighbors!
November 2nd, 2007 at 2:12 pm, dcrmom Says:
ACK!!!! Well, I’m the Ms. Popular Street, Ms. Casual Barbeque’s, Ms. WELCOME BASKET. I guess that won’t surprise you.
November 2nd, 2007 at 4:27 pm, becca Says:
You are such a snob. I can’t believe you! If you were really a good girl (as you claimed to be in a previous post- at least in the outside world), you would have strapped a protective vest across your growing tummy and gone outside to train those Pit Bulls. That’s all they needed. Pit Bulls need tough love, Jamie. And sometimes, the 100-lb. pregnant lady next door is the only one who can give it to them.
And maybe if you had bought some crack at the other neighbor’s house, you could have handed them a tract on your way out the door. Do Mormons do tracts?
April 14th, 2008 at 11:47 pm, Fully Operational Battle Station » Olive branch extended Says:
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