August 30, 2007
Well, we are heading off to the Oregon Coast this weekend for Labor Day and I am reminded of all the times that I have SAVED MY SISTER’S LIFE when the two of us are within any sort of water proximity together.
Please let me explain.
Don’t stop me if you’ve heard this before.
I, Ms. Battle Station, have saved my feeble and helpless little sister Audrey, from drowning THREE times in our short lives together. THREE different times! And the most amazing thing is that I was such a wee bitty youngin, only between the ages of 5-7 when the miraculous events took place. When these sensational acts of wonderment that she will FOREVER be indebted to me for took place. Because the nice thing about saving someone’s life is that you can totally hold it over the victim’s head for basically INFINITY (I love using that word) due to the fact that pretty much NOTHING can be done to repay or equalize the heroic act in return, therefore giving YOU the upper hand in any argument. Like this:
Meagerly and helpless Audrey: “Well, I watched Delaney for you the other night!”
Heroic and phenomenal Me: “Ya, well, I SAVED YOUR LIFE!”
Defenseless and unprotected Audrey: “I have helped you move the last five times!”
Brave and fearless Me: “Mmmm hmmm and I SAVED YOUR LIFE!”
Impotent and weak Audrey: “I’m pretty sure I have paid for the last three lunches.”
Sensational and stunning Me: “That’s true, let me think, I think there was something… oh yes, I SAVED YOUR LIFE.”
The last setting in the restaurant is fun because I could always raise my voice in the tiniest degree and add something to the effect of “I can’t believe you are doing this! I saved your life!” and then the people at the next table would, no doubt, look over at me and Audrey and think to themselves “My goodness, this wondrous woman saved that helpless woman’s life and the helpless woman is trying to get out of paying for lunch? Astonishing!” Because everyone knows, everyone knows that you owe and are forever indebted to the person that saved your life. Like, duh.
Where to begin?
The first time took place at a lake. My Dad was on the beach area and my Mom was in the water helping me practice my swimming. She was facing the beach area and I was in front of her when I casually and nonchalantly mentioned that Audrey was floating face down in the water out a ways in the lake. My Mom said she turned around to see Audrey JUST BARELY IN TIME before she sunk so far beneath the surface that no one would have seen her. My Mom rushed over to the spot where she saw her daughter sinking and grabbed her, brought her to the surface and turned her over. Audrey smiled and said something to the effect of “Was I swimming?” The creepy part was how Audrey wasn’t moving a muscle. She just let her body depreciate and sink like dead weight to the bottom of the lake, almost like she was meditating instead of drowning. Creepy Audrey, that’s what we call her.
Okay, so I really didn’t have much to do with the actual SAVING part of that event but I WAS the one that saw her before it was too late. So I get some of the credit.
Next story was at a lake again, but on the dock this time. We were standing on this dock with a group of adults, I think this was for some church activity or something, I probably should have checked my facts on these stories before I blasted them all over the internet, but nevertheless, we were standing on the dock with a bunch of adults. Then the cosmic forces stepped in again and decided that little baby Audrey should suffer so ALL AT ONCE the dock broke RIGHT where Audrey was standing. BOOM, dock breaks. BOOM, my cobra-like reflexes snapped into play and I SHOT OUT and grabbed Audrey’s life jacket strap just as she was falling into the depths of the abyss below. Another incident of death, Averted.
Alright so, she DID have her life jacket on and the water was only like 4 feet deep and there were about 15 adults around, BUT I did have a hand in preventing her death should her life jacket have come un-sewn and all the adults around were rendered useless due to the dock breaking in such a way that they were corralled and imprisoned within a makeshift dock barricade.
The last and final event took place at our house. We used to live in Washington, in a farming community outside of Seattle, we had some acreage and lived on a hillside with lots of Ponderosa Pine trees. It was a beautiful setting. I still don’t know exactly why, but my parents had these massive holes dug throughout our land, I think to aerate or fertilize or something or other, but the holes were about (in my memory of them) 4 feet wide and maybe 5 feet deep? Something like that. They were big deep holes in our yard. And it’s Washington so it rains all the live long day of every live long day, right? So each hole had approximately 3 feet of water sitting in the bottom of them. Freezing cold water.
My pal Eden and I were playing in the front yard when I thought I heard a small yelp. I asked Eden if she heard it and she didn’t. I decided to investigate anyway and after venturing into the backyard, I found that Audrey had fallen into one of the giant holes. I laid on my stomach, reached down in the hole and held Audrey out of the water as much as I could by holding onto her hands. I told Eden to go get my Mom.
Audrey was so numb and nearly frostbitten that she was hardly making a noise. My Mom put her in bath with tomato sauce. Am I remembering that right? Was it tomato sauce? That’s weird.
And there you have it. Another quick-thinking and courageous move on my part.
I will point out that my Sister DOES know how to swim now and I’m not foreseeing any problems at the Coast this weekend, but you never know. I’m still coming prepared by brushing up on my CPR and bringing an orange Lifeguard tube. And just in case the tradition is being passed down to the next generation, I’m having Delaney keep an eye on Mialee, Audrey’s daughter.
Mialee and Delaney, cousins only 7 months apart
Posted by Jamie @ 2:24 pm • my crazy family
RSS feed for comments on this post.
TrackBack URI
August 30th, 2007 at 3:07 pm, Chandra Says:
You are a hoot and a much better sibling than any of mine. My brothers were constantly dragging me out to the boo-ee’s (spell? booies, booE, ??). Anyway, they totally freaked me out and nonetheless they loved every second of it. Ahhh. the love we had for each other was so unique.
August 30th, 2007 at 3:23 pm, my minivan is faster than yours Says:
You are still the master! “Cobra-like reflexes”? I heart you and every dang story you tell!
August 30th, 2007 at 4:42 pm, Audrey Says:
Yes i guess those 2 times (not 3 because I was wearing a LIFE jacket) that you ’saved me’ made up for the other 15 years that you made my life hell.
Mean sister. MEAN!
August 30th, 2007 at 6:28 pm, Erica B. Says:
Sorry James, but I have to side with your sis on this one. Your recount of the most heroic moments in your life are in fact hilarious but I do agree with the other 15 years……I’m sure for Audrey…..they were HELLISH!
Poor Aud. 
August 30th, 2007 at 8:48 pm, Julie Says:
I love it! Absolutely… keep rubbing it in. (sorry Audrey) What a great picture of the girls!
August 31st, 2007 at 7:02 am, Julie Says:
I so needed that laugh! So, do you think she got shoved in the hole by a bully skunk right after he sprayed her? I think that’s what the tomato juice is usually for. Or not. Maybe I’m just an idjet.
August 31st, 2007 at 11:29 am, walternatives Says:
Tomato juice? I hope you’ll be able to clarify this soon. Amazing stories, and, as always, so well told. But I have the tomato juice issue stuck in my head. Have fun at the lake.
August 31st, 2007 at 3:51 pm, Chanda Says:
This is too funny! I hope you aren’t like my big brother, though. He claims to have “saved” my life, too. He never remembers to tell the part of the story where HE PUSHED ME INTO THE RAGING RIVER (ok…creek really). He only tells the part where he pulled me out.
Crazy older siblings!
Chanda
August 31st, 2007 at 10:12 pm, Tam Says:
I love your story telling! It figures that you’d update your blog, not ONCE, but THREE times whilst I was away in a 3rd world country. Glad you’re back!
PS: I don’t really use the word “whilst”, normally. BwaHaHaHaHa…OK, I’m in a weird mood….sorry. I’m good now.
September 2nd, 2007 at 1:04 pm, sari Says:
You’re a much better sister than I! I remember once my sister and I were rolling skating in our carport and we were holding hands and twirling in circles.
Apparently in the midst of it, I decided that it would be a good idea to let go, and my poor sister went flying into the front of the car and bashed her head on the license plate.
My mom was so mad! I mean, it wasn’t like she needed STITCHES or anything, but still…I was only about 10.
That picture is so cute! I hope you have a fun weekend, heroics required or not.
September 18th, 2007 at 1:12 pm, Fully Operational Battle Station » Where was I? Says:
[...] « Previous Main [...]