My LAND! I do NOT know how you people do it, you post-a-dayers. The intensity of it all! It’s just so intense! Don’t you think it’s intense? It’s all just so….. vehement and concentrated! (Right there what I gone and done was look up synonyms for ‘intense’ in my Thesaurus, that’s what I did done right there)
I have been rather busy lately and all day yesterday I worked two jobs. I am sort of working two different jobs right now. Let’s see, there’s the one where I work within my work environment and then there’s the one where I work performing work duties. So, as you can see, I am quite booked with vague job responsibility. (Right here what I done gone and done was mystify you as to what I do for my work(s). This is to avoid an unwanted and rather awkward situation in which some random internet stalker figured out where I worked my work(s) and then showed up all scary like upon the place of said work(s). Which in that case, I’m not sure what internet stalker guy (or gal I suppose, JENNIFER) would do to torture me after my capture, but I’m thinking it would probably have something to do with coercing me into reading complete sentences and forcing me to understand the meaning of punctuation marks and where they go. And I just can’t take that kind of risk.) The point here being that I was busy yesterday working two jobs back to back and then when I finally came home late last night I ad the choice of either trying to whip out a post within the 30 minutes I had at the end of the day or to watch the Desperate Housewives episode that was lovingly and patiently waiting on my DVR. And I chose the ladies of Wisteria Lane over you all. And I apologize for this my friends.
So, on to my blog post. Somehow I have neglected to mention this thus far. I have no idea how. It might have something to do with the two jobs and then the mothering of wee child and the wife-ing of manly husband. But it’s very significant. It’s a very significant occurance in my life. In OUR lives, my internets, in OUR lives.
So, depending on your opinion and location within the world, you may or may not agree with me that we live in the Country. It’s a subdivision, but it’s a subdivision in Idaho so we see Deer, Bald Eagles, Hawks, Raccoons and very rarely Bears and Mountain Lions. Now for someone like Pioneer Woman, that is a walk in Central Park and the thought that we would consider our subdivision “country” would make her fling a cow pie at me. But then for someone from the city this would seem as foreign and “country” as the actual act of birthing a colt. So, you might be laughing at me right now or you might be reading in awe, but the next sentence will likely seal the deal on whether or not you consider me “country” or not.
Ya’ll, there was a snake in our house. A snake. In our house. Alive. Slithering. Moving with life and being a snake.
Am I COUNTRY or what!?!?!
Well, before you answer that, consider the behavior I displayed upon discovering the snake. This is how it went down.
I had just picked my sleeping daughter up from the couch and completed a successful couch-to-bed transfer, a couch-to-bed transfer that INCLUDED STAIRS (this is huge, a huge feat). I come back down the stairs, round the corner and see a snake on the hardwood floor. I think to myself “Hm. Where did Delaney get a toy snake, I wonder? Grandpa must have given her that, that’s funny” and then it took it’s body and moved itself all snake and slithery like. At this time, all the breath in my body exited through my throat passageway in a hurl-form type action and my fight or flight mechanism kicked in. I flighted to the bedroom where my husband was sleeping. I woke him like this:
(Really exaggerated screaming whisper so as not to wake up wee child): OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH
Mike: WHAT is up with you?
Me: THIS ISN’T HAPPENING THIS ISN’T HAPPENING THIS ISN’T HAPPENING THIS ISN’T HAPPENING THIS ISN’T HAPPENING THIS ISN’T HAPPENING
Mike: HellOOOOO? What is going on?!
Me: SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE in. our. HOUSE!
Mike: (JUMPS UP!) OKAY! EVERYTHING IS FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE.
We go out to the Living Room where Mike takes one look at the snake and then turns around and walks back down the hall. I’m in the Smeagle/Gollum position on the kitchen counter, “WHERE ARE YOU GOING! YOU CAN’T JUST FORFEIT LIKE THAT! YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE ME HERE TO DEFEAT THE SNAKE USING MY OWN DEVICES! WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU!?!”
Mike comes back with two laundry baskets and acts as if he’s just brought in with him two snake euthenizers.
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE!?!
Mike starts flapping the laundry baskets as though he was flagging wild horses into a holding arena.
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?!
The snake quickly slithers into the office and stops under a pillow that was on the ground.
Me: WHERE IS HE GOING?! WHY HAVEN’T YOU STOPPED HIM YET?! KILL IT!
Mike disappears into the office. Just him, the snake and two laundry baskets.
Me, staying on the kitchen counter: DO YOU THINK THERE’S MORE? DO SNAKES TRAVEL IN HERDS? ARE THERE PACKS OF SNAKES?
All silence coming from the office.
Me: WHAT’S HAPPENING? I CAN’T WATCH BUT I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT”S HAPPENING. CAN YOU ANNOUNCE WHAT YOU’RE DOING PLAY BY PLAY MIKE?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Silence still from the office.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THERE IS A SNAKE IN OUR HOUSE! HOW DID HE GET IN! DID YOU LET HIM IN!? HE WAS ALL SLITHERING UP TO SUCK THE BLOOD OF OUR CHILD SLEEPING ON THE COUCH! HE WAS TRYING TO INJECT HIS POISONOUS VENOM INTO DELANEY BABE! KILL HIM!
Silence.
Me: BABE! YOU’RE PISSING ME OFF! WHAT IS GOING ON! YOU ARE BEING SO RUDE IN THERE!
Mike comes out of the office and walks to the garage.
Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! DID YOU KILL IT? WHERE IS IT!
Mike walks back holding a camera. He walks back into the office.
Me: IS IT SAFE TO COME DOWN OFF THE COUNTER NOW?!
I wait a few seconds and then carefully, watching exactly where I step, walk towards the door of the office.
My dashing young snake charmer had captured the creature. I shouldn’t be surprised, this wasn’t the first time he had protected our family and home from evil home intruders. I looked inside.
The snake curled up and tried to strike at us. It rattled it’s tail and gave us the the shivers. It was MEAN. Mean mean mean.
Mike was convinced that it was a baby rattle snake and so he killed it. But then after doing research online discovered that it was not a rattle snake and that it pretends to be one in order to confuse it’s attackers. So then we felt bad and gave it a proper burial. Poor snake. It was just putting on a big mean show but inside was nothing more than a sad and scared little snake. I’m like that all the time! I put on big mean shows and strike out too. But really I just need a hug. That’s all the snake needed was a hug. But we killed it.
I’m sorry snake.
I’m sorry we killed you but you and your kind need to learn that when big new subdivisions plant themselves in the middle of nowhere on your land, you can’t just go in the houses like that.
That picture is pretty gnarley isn’t it?
********************************
Don’t forget to enter into the Giveaway! You know you want that Oprah Magazine subscription. And if this post made your insides squeeze with guilt and love for the snake, I also saw Reptile Lovers Magazine and I could throw that in the Giveaway too.
To win the TOTALLY FREE RADICAL AWESOME Giveaway, you have two options:
1. Leave a comment telling me about a nightmare neighbor you have had. This will help alleviate some of my emotional burden.
or
2. I have created a street in which only three houses reside and they are occupied by the three neighbors from my last 3 Love Thy Neighbor posts. Leave me a comment telling me which neighbor you think would survive the long haul and out-weird the other two. Sort of like Survivor. Survivor of the Creepiest.
I’ll leave comments open for one week and close them on Monday the 12th. After tallying the comments, I’ll use a random number generator to pick the winner. I’ll then email you (you do NOT have to have a blog in order to enter) and let you know that YOU HAVE WON:
The FABULOUS Prize of a one year MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION!!! (although your guesses of Meth, the Arlington Road DVD and the drug dealing innocence Banner that Mike made were MIGHTY tempting)
You know you love this! It’s one of those pesky expenses that you can’t validate spending money on but you REALLY REALLY want. I was only going to offer Good Housekeeping to try to stick with the “neighborly” theme but then I was all “that’s cruel and wrong” and decided I needed to offer more of a variety for the variety of Battlestation readers.
So, there is a plethora of Magazines to choose from now! Yay! Here are some additional choices:
For the Neighbor who takes daily Ritalin to maintain this level of perfection, we have:
Good Housekeeping
Martha Stewart Living
Real Simple.
For the Neighbor whose child will likely be Student of the Month EVERY month over my child, we have:
National Geographic Kids
Parenting Magazine
Family Fun magazine
For the Neighbor who worships Oprah like I do, we have:
O Oprah Magazine
And even though you don’t really NEED this because your cup overfloweth with Political insights and Legislative banter already from reading MY BLOG, we also have:
Newsweek
For the closeted Britney Spears Lovers, we have:
W magazine
Glamour
And just for the heck of it (it’s all strictly confidential) we have:
AARP
That’s it! Those are your choices! Isn’t this just SO EXCITING! Have fun and play nice!
Love,
Jamie
Disclaimer: You only get ONE magazine subscription, only pick ONE magazine. Some magazines come on a weekly or seasonal basis and would therefore only be a 6 month subscription or a 10 publication subscription (like Newsweek or Family Fun magazine). We can discuss this further if you win and have questions. But these are the choices. Please don’t email me and ask for a different publication. I’m not ordering Maxim for you.
Even though DCRmom hates it when people post Youtube videos on their blog, I’m going to continue to do so. DCRmom is CLEARLY just jealous that she didn’t find the Business Time Video first and is now behaving childishly by lashing out against us Youtube lovers. But please know this, my loyal Battlestation readers, I practice extreme caution and discretion in what I choose to put on this blog. EXTREME discretion. I would never risk the highly intellectual and thought-provoking reputation that has been so carefully instilled within the confines of this exquisite sanctuary.
So, BRING IT DcrMom. Bring it.
This video is worth your time. It actually IS intellectual and thought-provoking, which is totally ironic, but nonetheless, here it is on my blog. I am a HUGE fan of the Dove campaign and would like to share with you their new Ad. As a mother of a young daughter, I have to say, it frightens the piss out of me (the word piss is used in sanctuaries now, I double checked).
Please let me know your thoughts. Especially on the whole plastic surgery movement. I have very mixed emotions.
And also, I was tagged to do a Meme. And since I have ignored several Meme-tags lately, well, really, since I started blogging, I thought I’d bite the bullet and do this one. Mainly because it’s short and sweet. And I really feel like talking about myself today. It’s called Four Things and I was tagged by Julie and Erin (Erin TECHNICALLY tagged me for 2 different Memes but I’m pretending she tagged me for the short Meme instead):
Jobs I’ve Had:
1. Office cleaner at night (oh fine, I was a Janitor)
2. Barista (what? a triple Venti 6 pump no water 195 degree No foam double cupped Soy Chai? Nooooo problem) (There really is a man out there who orders that EVERY day)
3. Model (That’s right, gracing the Boise Towne Square Mall with my catwalking presence)
4. Administrative Assisant (My bosses made me cry. And they slept with each other. It was horrible)
Places I’ve Lived:
1. Farming community in Washington
2. Northridge California (WAY after the earthquake)
3. Encinitas California (my brother Burke skates there and it’s the Skateboarding MECCA of the world)
4. Rexburg Idaho (When we were Mormon, Mike and I met here at Ricks College, now BYU Idaho)
4. People (speaking of the aforementioned Dove video….)
But I DO read the Newspaper! I’m not THAT out of tune with the REAL world (I love the Road Rules Challenge!) (Kidding!) (I meant REAL World as in the important stuff)
I mean seriously, the last post was in AUGUST. That’s just plain unacceptable. Ridiculous. And you know why? Because this is me:
“I could write about this, but what if it’s not funny enough”
“I really should do a blog post but I don’t feel witty enough right now”
“I could write about this but they probably wouldn’t think it was interesting”
“I feel like writing a blog post but now that it’s been THREE WEEKS, I KNOW they are expecting something GREAT and I’m not feeling great coming on at the moment.”
You see?
So, I think the comments must come down for now so I’ll start writing again. The pressure, you know?
I love you guys and I hope you’ll still email me, after all, that’s when we best get to know each other anyway.
We had a great time in Laguna Beach. This first pic is from our meeting with my blog buddy Julie. This is me about to take a bite out of Julie’s Ethiopian daughter, Marlie. Can you blame me? Marlie is delicious, as you can see.
Julie is also delicious. I was resisting the urge to make a bouquet out of her purty purty hair. And make her put lotion on her skin so I could make an outfit later with it.
I’m trying to convince Julie and Marshall to leave their beautiful and comfortable life in sunny California and come live by me in Boise Idaho. So far, I think I have them about 3% convinced.
Laguna Beach. What can I say? It’s heaven. The people watching was superb. There were these two super cute girls there, college softball players, throwing a football back and forth to each other….. okay, even I wanted to make out with them. They were running up and down the beach in bikinis, throwing these amazingly arched spiral passes. EVERY male within a 5 mile radius was AWE STRUCK. And even though I wanted to be disgusted and pretend that their little game of girly-catchball didn’t interest me, I had to give them their glory. I could not divert my eyes. Neither could Erica, in fact, she took her camera out to take a picture of the unbelievable display of EVERY MAN’S FANTASY BEING PLAYED OUT BEFORE OUR EYES but we quickly decided that MIGHT not come across right. That’s creepy to take pictures of strangers at the beach, don’t do that. Plus, they could have crushed us like a little bug. Like a little bug, with their football.
The iconic image from Splash Mountain. Don’t think for one second that we spent $107 on this picture either, my quick thinking and magical friend Erica WHIPPED out her camera and snapped this sucker while it was still on the TV screen at the end of the ride. HA! Take THAT Disney! You think you know us, but we’re still rebels! We show no consideration for the law. None.
In addition to doing this because it gives me an outlet and also because it helps me to feel creative and intelligent after a few days of incessantly rambling things like “wee offspring, please stop touching your front bum”, one of the other reasons that I love Blogging is the community aspect of it. I’m a social person, I like you guys. I enjoy getting to know ya’ll. Blogging buddies are some of the best buddies, you talk about what you want to talk about, you share what you want to share and they’re there when you need them but yet there’s no obligatory anything, not even ghastly husbands to pretend to like at obligatory couples dinners.
So, you can imagine my great surprise to find out that there are REAL LIVE people on the other sides of the blogs!
I know, it just blows my mind.
I can vouch for the fact that there REALLY is a Rae at Rachel’s Blatherings and there REALLY is a Tarah at Loving Each Day! I know because I got to meet them today. I was finally invited to hang out with the cool kids at the Zoo. A handful of fine, hysterical, adoptive Mommas and we had a good time.
But I have to admit, I was nervous about going simply because I liked these ladies…. and I didn’t want to meet them and ruin it. What if it isn’t ACTUALLY Rae and Tarah but instead some perverted internets named Bruce and Boris that were using blogging aliases? Or what if we meet and they don’t like me? What if we meet and I don’t like them? And then our Bloggy friendship is RUINED! It was a risk. But everything went super, they were indeed Rae and Tarah, not Bruce and Boris. And I’m glad I made the jump from “pretend internet friend” to “real person friend”.
Which reminds me, I’m off in the morning to sunny Los Angeles and while I’m there, I get to meet, and I know you’ll be incredibly jealous, Julie at My Journey to Family. And it’s ironic that her blog now says that SHE is leaving town so it looks as though she is running away from me, but in actuality, she will be back in time to meet me. At least, that’s what she told me before she left. Hmmm.
So, ya, meeting the bloggers. Interesting, no?
And now, my first attempt at posting a video.
I took this the other day while Mike was at school, knowing that he wouldn’t want to miss seeing his child ride her pretend horse while wearing a gangster’s hat, sunglasses and her incredibly cute mismatched outfit while at the same time listening to her Mom’s “clean house music” (Don’t judge me). It’s a tad long, but I love towards the end where the Lily Allen song begins and Delaney takes off her gangster’s hat right along with the music, just like we had practiced over and over and over and over again until she got it right.
Kidding. Although it’s no secret that I am meticulously grooming my daughter to be a dancer, I’m not one of THOSE Moms.
(smiling and frolicking) “Oh, this is going to be perfect. I’ll make a nice Quiche for the brunch and I’ll have my darling sister Audrey make an orange and pineapple salad and my darling brother Burke will make some scones. I’ll even email them the recipes with detailed instructions on how to make them. This will be just glorious. Each of us contributing to a homemade brunch for our Mother, how cute is that? Jamie, you did great planning this 3 days in advance so that everyone could be prepared. I am really looking forward to this!” (smiles)
Yesterday evening:
“Burke, are you still bringing scones in the morning?”
“uh, ……. can I bring some fruit rull ups instead?” (Burke is 16)
“No Burke! For real, do not show up at my house for Mother’s Day Brunch with fruit roll ups. I will kick you out of my house Burke. You need to MAKE something and bring it, it doesn’t even have to be the scones I sent you even though they are the easiest things to make EVER, but you WILL bring something to the brunch. Okay?”
**sigh** “okay okay, I’ll bring some cinnamon rolls or something (laughing at me) don’t worry about it, it’s FINE!”
“You suck Burke, you really suck.”
“whatever Jamie.”
Two Hours Later
“Hello?”
“Jamie, it’s Audrey (background music playing in bar somewhere) I didn’t have time to make that fruit salad, so, uh, is there like something else I can bring?”
“What the? Are you frickin kidding me? You and Burke are KILLING ME!”
“Jamie, don’t freak out, I just didn’t have time today so what else can I bring, I’ll swing by Albertsons in the morning.”
“I don’t know Audrey, why don’t you and Burke get together and bring a pizza or something, order some Pizza Hut, I’m sure it will really come from the heart.”
“(laughing) Shut up Jamie, you are freaking out.”
“You know, I’m so glad that we could all pull together as a TEAM and really make this a FAMILY EFFORT. It really is beautiful, don’t you think? How well we can work together as siblings? Mom is going to love this.”
“Jamie, I’m bringing a FRUIT SALAD okay? It will be FINE okay?”
“great.”
“great.”
“see you in the morning.”
“see you in the morning.”
So, it’s the morning now. I guess we’ll see what my two darling younger siblings bring in 2 hours when they are supposed to show up. But I swear on everything that is Holy, if they show up with fruit roll ups and a pizza, I will inflict mass trauma head wounds.
This is my life.
On to more important things, Happy Mothers day to my Mom!
Mom, you are the fiestiest, most passionate, most energetic and interesting person I know. I love you. Thanks for being my Mom.
A picture of my insanely beautiful Mom is coming soon, once I figure out how to post one without her eye being the size of my entire blog. and HOW DO I SPELL CHECK ON THIS THING!
