January 11, 2008
I have no brilliant lead in for this and no clever way to build up, so I’m just going to say it.
Some little devil child at Delaney’s new preschool told her she was “ugly and didn’t belong in class.”
*sigh* It breaks my heart every time I talk about this.
I’m curious as to how you all would have handled this situation and if you think I acted A. Like a level-headed, protective Mother or B. Like a rabid screaming Banshee. Because, this is the first time anything remotely close to this has happened to my child and let’s get one thing straight. Delaney, my child Delaney? Is no Ugly.
See?
So, where were we? Ah, yes. The devil child.
Mike picked DeeDee up from school and the VERY first thing she said was that “another girl said I was ugly and didn’t belong in class.” Which, kids make stuff up all the time, but this, this she did not make up. My child would not concoct this sentence up in her 3 year old mind. Dora would NEVER say someone was ugly - and that is how Delaney rationalizes things in her life. What Would Dora Do?
Well Mike did what any loving parent would do and pulled the minivan over to the side of the road and proceeded to tell our wee offspring that she is SO beautiful, SO smart, SO nice and SO BELONGS IN CLASS. This, apparently, went on for the entire drive home because my Psychologist Mother always told us that it takes 10 put-ups for every put-down to rebuild self esteem. And well, Mike didn’t just want her self esteem level back to where it was that morning before preschool, he wanted it at record levels, the best ANYONE has EVER felt about themselves EVER.
After 20 or so minutes of making her repeat self-affirmations, Mike called me.
“Are you sitting down?”
“Why?”
“Some little turd-girl called our child U.G.L.Y. at school today”
“GGGGGAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSPPPPPPPP!”
“AND told her that she didn’t B.E.L.O.N.G. in C.L.A.S.S.”
“…..(trying to mentally spell out the words)….. GGGGGAAAAASSSSSSSPPPPPP!”
“I know.”
“WHAT DID YOU DO!”
“Well, I’ve been telling her over and over again how beautiful, smart and nice she is” (I can hear a little voice in the back saying “I’m a NICE girl!”)
“That’s it!”
“Well, what was I supposed to do?”
“I’ve got to go”
“What are you doing?”
“Calling the school. Bye.”
And I did. I left a very nice message asking if one of Delaney’s teachers could call me back, I would like to know if anyone saw this happen and if anything was done to remedy the situation (ie: PLEASE TELL ME SOMEONE BODY SLAMMED THAT OTHER LITTLE COCKROACH OF A CHILD TO THE GROUND). And I am pleased to announce that the Principal called me back after only 15 minutes, fifteen minutes of marathon pacing across my living room, and that yes, she TOTALLY DID body slam the cockroach to the floor.
Kidding.
The Principal was very nice, very professional. She mentioned several times what a joy Delaney is in class and how thrilled they are to have her in their school, yada yada yada gettothegoodstuff. DeeDee’s Teacher did see this unfortunate exchange of words take place and promptly pulled this other little girl to the side and told her that we don’t speak this way and the things she said were not nice and unacceptable things to say. I was relieved to hear this, not that it changed anything or undid the damage to my daughter’s sweet heart, but it did make me feel better. And to the Principals credit, she remained professional and would not give up a name (I tried) (Oh please, you know you would have wanted to find out where this girl lives too). The call ended with her assuring me that they will keep an eye on this other girl to make sure it doesn’t happen again and that this kind of behavior is not tolerated at their school. It sounds like a cult, but really, it’s a great place. Don’t judge me all you brilliant, patient homeschooling Moms.
The kicker of the whole story is that the other day when I dropped Delaney off at school, her Teacher handed me a card. The card said
“I was deeply saddened to hear of the unkind words my child has decided to use. I apologize for the hurt and anguish this has caused your child. I am continually working on loving words for my daughter to use and I hope that your child hears some of those words next time.”
And she signed her full name.
Then I felt bad for making such a big deal about it. Kids are kids. Kids are dumb. They don’t even know what they are saying half of the time and I’m sure that this other little cockroach girl has older cockroach brothers or learned it on TV. I’m sure cockroach girl has nice cockroach parents that were really embarrassed by the whole thing. As I would be MORTIFIED if I learned my kid said those words. My Psychologist Mother would have washed my mouth out with soap. Which, by the way, does anyone do that anymore? Is that against the law now?
So. Let’s have it. Did I over-react? Should I write a nice letter back to this other Mom? I’d hate for her to continue being all Opus Dei about it. Thoughts please Internet. Thoughts.
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January 11th, 2008 at 2:44 pm, Jess Says:
Okay, first of all let me just say that your entire family is gorgeous, Delaney included. Which means that the first part of the remark was really more about the second part of the remark. Second of all, it sounds like you have a good set of classy adults around you, because the principal handled the situation well and so did the other mother. I guess how you should respond depends on how you really feel. If you’re touched by the card and it made you feel better, perhaps let the other mother know, as she’d probably like to hear it. If it didn’t make a difference, there’s no point in saying to her, “Oh it’s okay” or somehow passing it off as not a big deal when it is a big deal to you. It’s up to you in this situation and it might depend on how Delaney reacted and continues to react.
Also, I don’t think you necessarily overreacted although I personally might not have been quite as vigilant in this situation. Kids said mean things to me and called me fat all the time when I was little and I still have diary entries from that time reflecting how incredibly miserable I was. Nobody ever did anything about it. It’s good that Delaney knows that if she goes to you with a problem, she can trust you to try to solve it.
Wow, a behemoth of a comment from someone who doesn’t even have a kid, huh?
January 11th, 2008 at 2:52 pm, JMC Says:
Delaney is totally gorgeous! It sounds to me like you and Mike handled it well. I’m impressed that the other mom wrote you a note about it. I would have been more impressed had her daughter apologized to yours.
The biggest problem I would have now (if I were in your position) is not holding a grudge against that kid, now that you know which one it was.
January 11th, 2008 at 3:16 pm, becca Says:
I think you were right in questioning that. You want to make sure that’s not an acceptable thing in her school! I’m impressed with the other mom as well, but I too wish she would have had her daughter apologize. Yep, kids say stupid things. Adults say stupid things! Delaney is gorgeous and smart and wonderful. This is only the beginning of this crap, I’m afraid. She may not get into fist fights like my boys probably will, but girls are emotionally manipulative and mean for a good 20 years. This will not the last hurtful comment that you’ll remember long after Delaney has moved on. Ah, motherhood. It’s so good and so hard.
January 11th, 2008 at 3:39 pm, Karen Says:
I agree with Jess; if the card made a difference on how you feel, then I think it’d be great to let the other mom know that. Having a 3-year-old apologize to another 3-year-old might look like a great thing, but most of them really couldn’t care less and have no sense of what being sorry means (other than the fact that grown-ups seem happy when the kids are sorry…:-)
I’m sorry Delaney had to go through this (and you too - including the having to mentally spell and process words; I hate when people do that!
Unfortunately it won’t get better as she gets older. Be very happy she talked to you guys about it!!!
January 11th, 2008 at 3:59 pm, Laura Says:
How sad for your daughter! I am really impressed that the mom sent you that note. It really doesn’t get much better… my daughter is now 18, and it still happens. It was the worst in 6-9th grade. Now she mostly lets it roll off her back. You just have to keep up that positive reinforcement… she will eventually see herself as the great person she is… no matter what some little cockroach says!
January 11th, 2008 at 5:06 pm, Ami Says:
You did the right thing. You go, Mama! I would write the mom a thank you note, because let me speak from 5 years of teaching experience, you RARELY run across decent parents that want to apologize for their kids’ misbehavior.
January 11th, 2008 at 5:43 pm, my minivan is faster than yours Says:
Not only am I impressed with that mother, should either of my children ever hurt another child in any way, I may just handle it the same way.
Personally I would thank her.
January 11th, 2008 at 7:03 pm, boomama Says:
Honestly, I love how every single party in this deal responded. I think it’s great how Mike made sure to take away the power of those mean words (see: Atticus Finch in To Kill A Mockingbird). I think it’s great how you went straight to the source and didn’t stir up gossip and trouble and whathaveyou. I think it’s great that the principal responded promptly and professionally, and more than anything, hats off to the mama who took the time to write an apology.
In other words: all the adults in this situation have been phenomenal examples for the kids involved. Y’all should all get some sort of prize. Or at the very least some fried chicken tenders.
And I really might write the other mama a thank you note. She has probably been sick with worry over the whole thing - you could put her mind at rest and put this whole unfortunate incident behind you.
Also: Delaney is gorgeous.
The end.
January 11th, 2008 at 7:08 pm, boomama Says:
But I did not mean to imply that I think the other mama is some sort of saint for writing you a note. I just got my transitions messed up. “More than anything” was supposed to be at the beginning of the next paragraph. A thousand pardons.
January 11th, 2008 at 7:41 pm, Sandcastle Momma Says:
Tell Delaney that we think she is GORGEOUS!!! My son saw her picture when I was reading your post and told me that she’s LOTS prettier than any of the girls in his class.
I definitely think you and Mike handled the whole situation well and I wouldn’t say you over reacted at all. When my oldest was little a kid down the street told her she was stupid. She came home crying and it made me so mad that I ended up telling the kid who made the comment that if she was ever mean to my daughter again that they would never find her body LOL That was years ago and she’s always been real nice since. Looking back I don’t think that was the best way to handle the situation but I don’t like for anyone to make my kids cry LOL And it was a nice gesture for the little cockroach’s mother to send the note so a thank you for acknowledging that your child is a cockroach would be nice LOL
January 11th, 2008 at 9:41 pm, Betina Says:
Who can’t help but be a Mother Bear? It is our job. If you did not feel that way there would probably be something amiss. Embrace the Mother Bear instinct!
January 11th, 2008 at 9:49 pm, Renee in Seattle Says:
Given your position (first child, first episode) you responded appropriately. Here is the wrong way (a.k.a. what I did)…. (walk by preschool line up slowly… whisper in child’s ear..) “which one did it?” Child points to villian. Send child off to preschool. Stalk villian waiting for adult to claim as own. Approach adultofvillian in a very confrontational manner, “do you know what your child said to my child? I thought you would want to know, since I would want to know if my child said something like that, you, know, because it is just so aweful and all, you know, gee you must be really embarrassed to have a child who says things like that. Wow. So, um, what are you going to do about it?”
My way wrong. Your way right.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:32 pm, Jennifer England Says:
Ok, seriously… you and Mike are now going to have to come back to SLC to give Nate and myself some parent training 101 ’cause yall dealt with that like pros.
Congratulations for not lining up the little boogers single file and forcing Delaney to reveal the culprit to everyone. That probably wouldn’t be the best way for her to avoid embarassment.
BTW… Delaney has my personal permission to date Jackson or Biruk when she gets older. I think that she is just ADORABLE! And I LOVE her sense of style.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:50 pm, Erica B Says:
I still think it was a VERY good idea that Aunt Erica and Uncle Justin didn’t get the name of the little cockroach who made our Delaney upset. Is Aunt and Uncle Bear a term?
January 11th, 2008 at 10:58 pm, Melissa Says:
1. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful child.
2. Ya’ll handled it so amazingly and were great examples.
3. The best way I’ve seen this situation handled was when a “friend’s child” bit another child. When the “friend” apologized, the mother of the victim said, “apology totally accepted. You know, we’re all in this boat together and it could have just as easily been my child on the biting end.”
Oh my! I, I mean my friend, loved her for pointing out the common ground of parenthood.
January 12th, 2008 at 12:21 am, Dana Says:
Your little girl is lovely. It’s so sad that other children are so mean. For example: i was the underdog in elementary school and had things like that said to me all the time. i wore glasses, and kids would throw basketballs at my face to try to break them. yeah, not ok. but i don’t think that you overreacted at all. i think you handled it quite well actually. and me personally, would write a nice note back to the cockroach mom. Brownie points to you!
BTW, i love your blog
January 12th, 2008 at 2:28 am, Half-Past Kissin' Time Says:
Um….love your blog; you’re so funny and smart and creative, and your beautiful spirit really shines through. That said, I believe you overreacted; especially hubby, because instead of modeling for Gorgeous that when people say dumb stuff like that, you let it roll off your back, you freaked out (pulling the car over? a bit overkill, I’d say, although I do understand.) If you respond this way to each social slight she gets, you might as well set up a tent on the playground. Instead, the next time she says something about some how some little hateful kid said something mean, I would ask her, “What did you think about that?” and find out if she really was traumatized or is just wondering why some people act so stupid/mean, etc. Just my opinion (before reading others’ comments). You are wonderful parents. I’m happy for your family.
January 12th, 2008 at 11:03 am, Ericka Says:
You reacted the same way I would have and do. Having two older kids than Delaney, I’ve had this happen a couple of times and the mama bear in me ROARED to life, let me tell you.
These are great teaching moments for everyone involved and you are very, very lucky that the other mom apologized and the school took it seriously. It’s very frustrating when you don’t have that closure.
D is a very lucky (and beautiful) little girl to have you as a momma
January 12th, 2008 at 11:05 am, dcrmom Says:
UGH! Kids! At least the mother sounds like a lovely person. Do you know who she is? Will you run into her? I guess you could write back and say that you appreciate her note. Or leave it be.
Poor little GORGEOUS Delaney. Sigh…
January 12th, 2008 at 1:44 pm, Misty Says:
your daughter is stunning…
I would at least return a note to the mom. you don’t have to be her new penpal or anything, but just as a courtesy.
January 12th, 2008 at 6:58 pm, Julie Says:
First off, I as a homeschooling mom (notice I left out the “patient” part), I would NEVER judge you.
I would have reacted the same way!
If it happened to me, I would probably write a nice note to the mother of the child because she apologized on her behalf and is trying to work with her daughter to correct the behavior. That’s so rare these days.
January 12th, 2008 at 8:18 pm, Lacey Says:
Jamie- My heart broke when reading about the ugly words that were said to Delaney. Jackson (my 5 yr old)was sitting next to me when I was reading the post so I showed him Delaney’s picture and said Jackson look at this little girl, what is your first thought about her? He said she looks fun to me and pretty. I told him what happened at her school and he said “well that was rude of that girl to say that, someone needs to punish her” Just thought it might help if delaney knew a older cute boy all the way in Tennessee could see how beautiful and precious she is.
January 13th, 2008 at 12:26 am, Katy Says:
Delaney is like supernaturally beautiful, but you know that. I was curious to see what other parents would say on the to-write-or-not-to-write question. Seems like either way, you’re still doing the right thing. Other mother did the right thing. If you write a note, you are ultra polite. If you don’t, I would probably still tell the mom I appreciated her note when I saw her next. Or bodyslam her. Whatever.
January 13th, 2008 at 12:26 am, emily Says:
Ok, now you know why I homeschool:)
You did an awesome job my friend. Now you are officially ready for two more cubs and WHFC should be calling first thing Monday morning!!
January 13th, 2008 at 10:33 am, annselma Says:
I have two boys - a ten year old and a three year old. I don’t know if my point of view is different because I have boys and not girls because it seems to be that mom’s get more sensitive when their girls get told they are not pretty. My cousin’s husband asked his daughter if she wanted him to beat up the little boy who told her she was not pretty but she was funny. My whole take on it would have been to empower her. Ask her how she felt when the little girl said it? Why did she think she said it? And most importantly, just because someone says something to you does not make it the truth. I always tell my boys that they need to choose people with good judgements to gauge whether something is true or not. Some good people to choose from are moms, dads, aunts, and uncles. I could keep going on but this is waaay to long already. I think you did a great job handling it. It is really hard to control yourself when emotions are running high. The best advice I got was to stay out of kids squabbles because we take it all to heart and they are over it in minutes and are best friends again while we are still stewing.
January 13th, 2008 at 3:49 pm, Gray Matter Says:
Hey there, I’m going to offer a practical piece of advice, because unfortunately this won’t be the last time your gorgeous daughter gets teased, taunted or hurt. This is an opportunity to teach her how to cope with situations like this. Here is the magic word–”whatever.”
When a kid says something like “You still like Dora The Explorer!! That’s for babies.” Nothing shuts down another kid like a shrug and “Whatever.” And then walk away.
It works. I swear.
“You’re ugly and you don’t belong in class!”
“Whatever.”
Remind her that she knows what the truth is–don’t give the other kid the power to affect her self-esteem.
Oh, and mean kids suck.
January 14th, 2008 at 1:53 am, Jennifer J. Says:
Have I got a story for you!!!! I work in a child development center. One summer I was subbing for another teacher and took my then four-year-old son with me (love it that they let us do that!). Some weasel kindergartner told my kid she didn’t want him near her because he was a NASTY BLACK BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the other teachers heard, handled it and told me. I thought I’d have a coronary! After the initial desire to rip her heart out subsided (a little bit) I called the class in for an impromtu meeting. Being the professional that I am, I used a persona doll to retell the story (changing names, etc.). All of the children discussed how horrible it is to say those awful things. The evil spawn got the point. She perked up that she heard SOMEONE say that to my son. “You did?” Yes, she did. “What do you think that person should do differently next time?” Just call people their names. “Yeah, scum face, watch your backside!” Okay, I didn’t really say that part, but secretly I can’t stand the brat–or her witch mother.
That night I tried to bring it up to my son–who didn’t even remember the situation. All he could remember about the day was that he saw a mom breast-feeding for the first time.
BTW, your Delaney is adorable!
January 14th, 2008 at 4:18 pm, Marlene Says:
I would have done the same thing. I think it is natural for mothers to protect their child from situations like this. It is a cruel world and children really know how to be mean to each other. I think everyone handled their position wonderfully. I would let it go. All is well now!
January 15th, 2008 at 1:52 am, Lindsey Wheeler Says:
What kind of crazy, ridiculous kid would ever say something like that…..Delaney is possbily the cutest kid in the universe (along with Eliana and Xio). I would have wanted to go and punch the kid. Tell her we all think she is BEAUTIFUL and HILARIOUS!!! Way to go….y’all responded perfectly. I don’t think I would have been so nice.
Lindsey
January 15th, 2008 at 12:14 pm, Heidi Says:
Your daughter is beautiful. I think you all handled the situation well. The note from the other parent was impressive…but I would still hold a grudge. I’m stubborn like that. I laughed when I read the part about soap in the mouth. That was our punishment when we were growing up, too. IS it illegal now? I have used a smidge of Dawn in my 3 year old’s mouth, but I was terribly afraid of what would happen. Perhaps I should go back to the old stand-by, a bar of Ivory. It is definitely effective. Great blog, by the way!
January 16th, 2008 at 12:01 am, Fully Operational Battle Station » Waiting Says:
[...] and I almost forgot! THANK YOU for the comments on the last past. I am writing the other Mother a note to thank her for her note. And I loved the suggestions to [...]
January 17th, 2008 at 9:05 pm, sari Says:
wow she is cute!
I’ve had things happen too, what a great gesture on the part of the other mom. Most people wouldn’t step up like that.
January 29th, 2008 at 12:38 pm, 3carnations Says:
I’m reading this post way late, but I have to tell you I would have done the exact same thing.
While it’s not the other parents’ fault (completely), and the girl may not have known any better, the only way she can LEARN to know better is to be talked to about it. And, had the situation been reversed, I would certainly want to know if my son had used such unkind words.
I think all the adults involved handled the situation quite well.
February 28th, 2008 at 1:33 pm, Fully Operational Battle Station » It happened Says:
[...] THESE strands of love. Taken from us far too soon. Much too soon. [...]