November 19, 2007
After staying up 2 hours later than my husband, I quietly sneak into our dark and quiet bedroom. As I slip into my side of the bed, Mike stirs in his sleep and I seize the moment.
“pst. Babe. Do you want to have sex?”
Without one SECOND’S hesitation, he rolls over, still miles away in slumber and fiercely states “Doesn’t count” before slipping into sub-conscience again.
CRAP! This is BAD! The subject seems to have caught on. The species is evolving.
This after several instances in where myself, the exquisitely brilliant woman that I am, had successfully maneuvered this transaction with ease and superb performance. The midnight romp offering was there, offering denied, power in my corner. LARGE AMOUNTS of power. Learn from me, friends, take my knowledge and bask in it.
The next night or next day or next minute, whatever the case may be, Man will desire rompage. Something like this may happen-
“WOMAN. BED. NOW.”
“No, not tonight. I’m ________ (enter any adjective here: tired, hungry, sick, blogging, whatever - you know the drill)”
“HUH? MAN DESIRE WOMAN! MAN NEVER GETS WOMAN!”
“Well, sweetness, I offered last night and you said no.”
“WHAT!”
“Last night. I offered. And you said no. So…..”
“You mean in the middle of the night when I was asleep!”
“Yes.”
“Doesn’t count”
“Counts”
“No way”
“Yes way”
But now, I fear, my tricks and skills have been compromised, you see. He has learned. He has evolved and I can only assume that others like him will too. So, use the skill ladies, use it and be exquisitely brilliant. But, use with caution. Use with discretion. Use knowing that they will catch on.
I’ll let you know when I have discovered a plan B.
Posted by Jamie @ 6:24 pm • Mike
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November 19th, 2007 at 7:25 pm, misty Says:
HILARIOUS…
Maybe he was dreaming about something else? An apprentice accountant, perhaps, who was bad at his job… ???
November 19th, 2007 at 7:33 pm, Julie Says:
That is soooo funny. Wouldn’t work for my hubby though. I could proposition him at 3am while he’s dead asleep and he would immediately wake up and take me up on the offer. (I know from experience)
November 19th, 2007 at 8:37 pm, Jess Says:
Damn it! I hate it when they catch up! It’s like when dogs learn that W-A-L-K spells “walk.”
November 19th, 2007 at 9:09 pm, becca Says:
…and I thought I thought of that! I think you may have been using it too much. It has to be sparsely used, when you really need it. Next time he says it doesn’t count, go into some elaborate story about how when he went to bed, you were so busy working on the house, bills, whatever it is that he doesn’t do around there (a little guilt, perhaps?)so you just couldn’t go to sleep then. You had too much work to do. By the time you came to bed, though, you had been thinking about “it” all day and couldn’t resist at least propositioning him while you had the chance. If he feels a little tinge of guilt followed by I’m-so-freakin-hot-she-can’t-keep-her-mind-or-hands-off-me, he’ll buy it every time.
Does he read this? I might have just blown your cover. I’ll email next time. You’re welcome.
November 20th, 2007 at 9:36 am, Ericka Says:
Yes, please do share with us when you discover Plan B. Have been trying to find it for years.
I heard on The View or something or other yesterday that women between 35-54 ‘dislike’ sex and then ‘pick it back up’ at 55. Yeah, because maybe that’s when the kids are OUT!!!!!
November 20th, 2007 at 9:38 am, dcrmom Says:
LMAO! Dang. Never worked for me, that. Never too sleepy for THAT, he is. ;=)
November 20th, 2007 at 7:13 pm, Karen Says:
Not sure if my husband would have caught on if he hadn’t read your blog! You’ll have to email out Plan B so he doesn’t get that one figured out as well!!!
November 20th, 2007 at 10:19 pm, Rebecca Says:
my husband AND I were dying laughing!! you tell the best stories
November 20th, 2007 at 11:52 pm, melissa Says:
Love it! Can’t relate AT ALL. But love it!!!
My husband could be the lightest sleeper in the world. If I said “baby…” it would be all over.
Happy THanksgiving!
November 21st, 2007 at 3:59 am, Emma Says:
So I read this out to hubby, trying to contain my laughter. He could see no funny side.
It so counts.
November 24th, 2007 at 12:30 am, Jennifer England Says:
Someday I will have to tell you about my “ace in the whole” concerning sex. It has to do with a superwoman outfit and a DVD of season one of the tv show Alias. I will give you one free guess as to which one of those my husband chose. It has been a year and I still haven’t let him live it down. But my trump card is wearing thin, so please inform me if you come up with a Plan B.
November 26th, 2007 at 11:00 am, Stephanie Says:
Bad News, Bad News. On Saturday night hubby was feeling frisky, I was feeling tired. So I was like eh not tonight right…so I wake up in the morning feeling a bit frisky. He denies me. He said you had your chance lastnight. I said I was asleep, doesn’t count. He said it counts. We’ve switched roles.
This could be depressing.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:01 pm, Chandra Says:
It wouldn’t work for me either. It’s usually me crawling into bed late and him instantly waking up and putting the moves on me. So I then have to pretend to have quickly fallen asleep. I need another idea Jamie…
November 26th, 2007 at 1:23 pm, Lori Says:
How did I miss this post?!?!
Too funny, I’ve been doing something similar as well, you have to be very sparse with it as you’ve already found out!!! Thanks for the laugh.
November 26th, 2007 at 1:23 pm, Lori Says:
How did I miss this post?!?!
Too funny, I’ve been doing something similar as well, you have to be very sparse with it as you’ve already found out!!! Thanks for the laugh.
November 28th, 2007 at 8:52 pm, tiffani Says:
Hi Jamie!
my husband’s favorite one is when I say “earlier today I really wanted to have sex with you”…as we’re both clearly waaaaaaaaay to exhausted to do it. He kind of perks up, then notes my use of the past tense and sags a little… (no pun intended)
back in the old days, when the kids were really little and I almost never wanted to do it, and my loving spouse was schooling for roughly 18 hours every day, after the kids had fallen asleep I’d go kind of stand next to him while he worked at the computer(and he was actually “working” — not the same as how I try to convince my kids that “I need to do some work on the computer” and it’s really just cyberfun.) I was usually wearing my pink frumpy (my favorite comfy loungewear) with my favorite dessert of semi-sweet chocolate chips mixed with natural peanut butter (try it, it’s heavenly!) and then if he didn’t respond to my advances, I’d go watch tv. When he complained that I never initiated sex, I’d recount for him all the times I came and stood next to him while he worked and he never took me up on my offer… he kind of thought maybe I needed to work on my moves.
Now that we don’t have cable anymore, our sex life has picked up quite a bit!!
thanks for the opportunity to say stuff on your blog that I can’t say on mine — I have one of those respectable blogs…kind of boring, but my grandpa can read it.
November 28th, 2007 at 8:53 pm, tiffani Says:
Hi Jamie!
my husband’s favorite one is when I say “earlier today I really wanted to have sex with you”…as we’re both clearly waaaaaaaaay to exhausted to do it. He kind of perks up, then notes my use of the past tense and sags a little… (no pun intended)
back in the old days, when the kids were really little and I almost never wanted to do it, and my loving spouse was schooling for roughly 18 hours every day, after the kids had fallen asleep I’d go kind of stand next to him while he worked at the computer(and he was actually “working” — not the same as how I try to convince my kids that “I need to do some work on the computer” and it’s really just cyberfun.) I was usually wearing my pink frumpy (my favorite comfy loungewear) with my favorite dessert of semi-sweet chocolate chips mixed with natural peanut butter (try it, it’s heavenly!) and then if he didn’t respond to my advances, I’d go watch tv. When he complained that I never initiated sex, I’d recount for him all the times I came and stood next to him while he worked and he never took me up on my offer… he kind of thought maybe I needed to work on my moves.
Now that we don’t have cable anymore, our sex life has picked up quite a bit!!
thanks for the opportunity to say stuff on your blog that I can’t say on mine — I have one of those respectable blogs…kind of boring, but my grandpa can read it.
cheers!
tiffani