July 1, 2007
Oh hey, what’s new? How’s life? Nothing much? That’s nice, I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME.
We have been cursed.
You’d think we had opened King Tut’s Mummy Tomb or something because it’s bad. I’m talking a curse of epic proportions. A hex. A jinx.
Either that or it’s the end of days around here because we have Earwigs, people. We have hundreds and hundreds of Earwigs in and around our house right now, so many that I am re-swallowing a little bit of vomit that just came up into my mouth again, a bodily reaction that occurs just by typing the word ‘Earwig’ as I sit here.
It all began about 2 weeks ago when I started noticing 1 or 2 earwigs a day in the house. Actually, back up, it all started about 2 months ago when my really cute husband tried to set up the new sprinkler system to where we could embark on a small Agricultural business of “starter Rain Forest kits” out of our own itty bitty backyard. Our lawn was a virtual swamp for weeks and weeks, which was kinda fun at first because Delaney and her girlfriends could take mud baths and cook mud pies but then after about 5 mud baths, 3 mud pies and a dozen ridiculous attempts at lawnmowing up a marshland, it wasn’t so fun anymore. Little did we know that our brazen carelessness and child-like over usage of water would be creating a literal petrie-dish of insect breeding. The breed of choice? Earwigs.
So, we continued along our enjoyable life-paths of waking and bathing and feasting and sleeping and all the while the earwigs where out there, in our yard, just multiplying and multiplying like something out of “Arachnophobia”.
And so back to where I was, I started noticing 1 or 2 of them a day. On the wall in the hallway, on the rug in the living room, on the cupboard door in the kitchen. And each time, I would be all “Gross! BABE! BAAAAAAAAABE! Cumeere! There’s another earwig in here, come kill it!” and each time he would make a mental note to buy some pest spray at Home Depot.
Well. After about a week of the aforementioned routine, Mike remembered to pick up some bug spray at the store. Awesome. We’re delivered from our hell, right?
You is so wrong honey.
It’s only just begun.
Mike puts down the bug poison crap along the outside perimeter of the house and calls it good. We put Delaney down for the night and start getting ready for bed. Well, this isn’t what REALLY happened at this segue, but I’ll come back to this.
Enter: SUPER CRAZED OUT OF CONTROL EARWIGS
Mike came out of the computer den and I came out of the bedroom to meet each other in the Kitchen. We were talking when Mike saw one. Then he saw another one. Then I saw one. And another one. And another one. And another one. And AAAHHHHHHH, They’re EVERYWHERE! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Mike jumps into panic mode, his hunter and gatherer mode, his protect-the-women mode. He breaks into a mad sweat and starts going crazy, killing all the earwigs. But he can’t kill them fast enough, they’re literally everywhere, probably 30 of them as we scurried through the house.
Mike is getting more and more worked up and I am outright LOSING MY MIND when it hits me: our wee child. I must save her. I bolt for the stairs as I yell over my shoulder, “I’M GOING IN FOR THE KID! I’VE GOT TO SAVE HER!”
Mike is chasing after me. “Don’t wake up the child! She’s fine! It’s just a few earwigs! We’ll be fine!”
Me: “Let me break this down for you: WE ARE NOT SLEEPING HERE TONIGHT”
Mike: “Yes we are, it’s fine, I’ve almost killed them all!”
Me: “Oh yeah because their curfew is 11:00 and then they all go to bed for the night…”
Mike: “Please don’t wake the kid up”
Me: “I’m waking the kid up”
Mike: “Jamie, Nooooooo—”
Kid’s up.
Mike: “I cannot believe you woke her up”
Me: “Honey, there are earwigs all over her room!”
Mike: “No there’s not, you’re just a little freaked out is all, we are all staying here tonight, put her back to bed, earwigs are perfectly harmless”
Me: (totally calm voice) “There’s one on your left butt cheek right now”
He starts violently slapping his own butt, dancing around, TOTALLY freaking out and has ALL of his clothes off in about 2.2 seconds.
Delaney, who has been sitting on my lap comatose this whole time, sleepily asks “Why is Daddy taking all his clothes off?” to which I answer “Because Daddy had a perfectly harmless little earwig on him, Honey, that’s why.”
Mike is …. beyond pissed right now because 1. he looked like a total freakin circus act just then and 2. he was exhausted and 3. (this goes back to the spot I said I would come back to) he was frustrated because I had promised him some fancy hanky-pank in the bedroom that night and he was quickly realizing that the earwigs were, um, not adding to the ambiance, IE: He wasn’t gettin no action and he knew it. Mike goes into what I like to call “Irrationally Pissed” mode.
This is when he starts spewing off craziness. He ACTUALLY tells me “You girls go then, I am staying here to KILL ALL THE EARWIGS. They are nocturnal, I can kill them throughout the night” like we are living in some sort of medieval fairytale in which Knight Michael will stay and sacrifice his life for the love of his land and defend our freedom by battling the earwig militia throughout the remainder of the fortnight.
I looked at him for a couple seconds, waiting for him to playback in his head what he just said out loud. The moment doesn’t come, the moment where he realizes how charmingly ridiculous he sounds, that he will stay the night, camouflaged in our own home, planning his desecration of these little insects.
I tell him to put his clothes back on, that we are going to my Dad’s house. And we did. And thus began our 3 nights of homelessness due to our home being invaded by earwigs.
The Exterminator came out the next day and told us he has NEVER seen an earwig infestation as bad as ours. He was actually chuckling to himself as he talked about it. He took us out around the house to show us where the nests were and we could see, literally, HUNDREDS of earwigs just scrambling for their lives after being doused with poison. Just hundreds of them, all throughout our yard, all along our house, hundreds of them. It was, to date, one of the grossest sights I have ever seen.
Since then, they have mostly died. Our patio is an earwig graveyard, each day we sweep up their carcasses, but it’s not over yet. They are still very much a problem. As are the sleepless nights around here. Nights in which I wake up 3 or 4 times to turn on the light and search for insects in the bed. And in which Mike gets aggravated because I woke him up again. And in which I ask him if he would still stay up all night and fight the nocturnal earwigs for me as my protector. But he only liked that idea when it was his idea for some reason.
Posted by Jamie @ 12:45 am • random goodness
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July 1st, 2007 at 1:10 am, boomama Says:
If I saw hundreds upon hundreds of those things? All crammed together and crawly-like?
I seriously think I would die.
July 1st, 2007 at 1:40 am, owlhaven Says:
ew.
just.ew.
Mary
July 1st, 2007 at 2:50 am, June Cutoff Cash Says:
Yeah. Itching now. And I completely understand checking the bed. You get one bug in there, it’s like acid flashbacks for the rest of the night. “I know bugs are crawling all over me! I know it!”
July 1st, 2007 at 9:11 am, Theresa Says:
Gross. Earwigs are the devil.
July 1st, 2007 at 9:40 am, Julie Says:
Ew. Now, that’s disgusting. Somehow, you manage to make it the most entertaining thing I’ve read in days, though. Think maybe you could have another near-disaster and write about it? Just kidding
My sympathies are with you–we live through the great ladybug infestation every fall. Not nearly as bad, but I can relate a bit.
July 1st, 2007 at 11:45 am, Julie Says:
That is soooo nasty! I never knew their real name before. You know I found one crawling around in my daughter’s diaper once when I opened it up to change it. I don’t even want to know how it got in there. Hope you get rid of those things for good and get some good sleep soon!
July 1st, 2007 at 2:32 pm, walternatives Says:
OMG. Hysterically written, but I’m still getting the heebie-geebies visualizing it all. May be because I can vividly remember the television show, Night Gallery, and the Earwig episode. I’m so sorry you had to endure this. Keep us posted, please, meaning - let us know when they’re all gone!
July 1st, 2007 at 6:13 pm, Rae Says:
It’s a good thing laughter keeps one from gagging and puking or I’d have one huge mess to clean up! YIKES!!!
So, then, playgroup at your house. Tomorrow. 9 AM, right?!
July 1st, 2007 at 7:34 pm, Emily Says:
Yuck! Thank you for the link to wikpedia- didn’t have a clue what that was and hope I don’t get a personal look anytime soon. Hope they leave you alone now:)
July 1st, 2007 at 8:37 pm, Chandra Says:
Itch, itch, itching right now. We have ants! I am seriously considering calling the orkin man. Good luck with cleaning all the nasty things up. eeek.
July 1st, 2007 at 8:43 pm, abebech Says:
Just one is enough to make me declare an infestation, and reading this makes me feel all crawly. I hate them so much!
July 2nd, 2007 at 12:10 am, My Minivan Is Faster Than Yours Says:
You are an insanely talented writer, even though you live with dead earwigs :-).
July 2nd, 2007 at 12:30 am, Anita Says:
Okay Jamie…I seriously peed a little! You are my all time favorite “easy to read” blog writer! Earwigs! GAG! We found one on the floor of our first house on the first night we slept there (on a mattress) and it was the scariest looking bug every! EWW! Chanda–all the rain has brought us ants too. Take them in a heartbeat over just one little earwig!!!
Anita
July 2nd, 2007 at 8:42 am, Lorraine Says:
I am itching too- BLAHHHH- Pest guy. Comes every two months. Keeps the Creepy Crawleys at bay. We glow from the chemicals but alas a small price to pay.
I hope they go away soon.!!!!!
July 2nd, 2007 at 9:35 am, Chanda Says:
Jamie,
Great post! So sorry the earwig infestation happened, though…yuck! I am usually ok with bugs of most kinds; they don’t seem to bother me. But earwigs and cockroaches freak me out. I totally understand your need to ABANDON THE HOUSE for a few days….Hope you get some good sleep soon!
Chanda
July 2nd, 2007 at 10:04 am, mama2roo Says:
Oh. My. Goodness. I never heard of earwigs, and I hope I never see one. I hope all their little carcasses are gone soon.
July 2nd, 2007 at 12:20 pm, Tam Says:
Oh no, nuh-uh. Can’t do earwigs. After hearing stories of people actually bugs IN THEIR EAR, I’d be done. It’s one of my freak-out fears. Thanks for tonight’s nightmare….
July 2nd, 2007 at 12:46 pm, starfish Says:
Eyugh, I so have the heebie jeebies reading this. Glad its mostly over and that you now know the lengths at which your husband will go to protect you.
July 2nd, 2007 at 1:39 pm, Erica Says:
OMG! We have them too! Thank goodness not as bad as you but I’m scared it’s going to happen. This morning my ear was itching and I swear I thought an Earwig AKA Pincher Bug was in my ear…..then my brain and at any second I was going to DIE from the mass Earwig reproduction in my skull! Saturday while doing our beloved yardwork I am pretty sure one fell from the sky and ALMOST landed in my lap. Needless to say, I made poor Justin pull the rest of the weeds! Ewwwww….I now have chills! We already have Orkin and they are still finding their way into our house! Maybe it’s because our silly dog Hazel tries to play with them and in turn while literally rolling on them they attach themselves to her fur and once they are safely in the confines of our house let loose! Now I will have nightmares….Thanks my friend!
July 2nd, 2007 at 1:47 pm, erinthebeekeeper Says:
ummm ewwww
July 3rd, 2007 at 5:14 pm, Amy Says:
You are so freaking hilarious!!!
I used to try not to like you because you are so ridiculously gorgeous, (and it is SO not fair) but it only lasted about half a post, because you’re just too cool and funny not to like.
I’m a full-fledged fan.
- Amy
July 3rd, 2007 at 6:13 pm, Beth Says:
Yick.
You have my sympathy.
July 3rd, 2007 at 6:16 pm, Rebecca Says:
Love your blog - you are hilarious! I found your blog through another person’s. We are adopting from Ethiopia too! We have just started the process, so it will be a while before we have our baby. So fun to find so many others adopting from Ethiopia!
July 4th, 2007 at 12:42 am, Tarah Says:
Jamie,
Yucky… I am very sorry. You write so vividly about it, I am glad I was not there. Glad you saved your daughter.:)
July 4th, 2007 at 2:08 am, Heather Says:
My worst earwig moment was opening the lid of a sippy cup that my daughter was drinking out of at night. On the underside was an earwig! Boy was I glad she hadn’t swallowed it. I hope you are able to sleep peacefully soon, but I know you’ll never look at (or type about) an earwig the same way again.
July 4th, 2007 at 3:19 am, Katie Says:
We have a ton of ‘em here too!
I hate it when you turn around and there is one just sitting there on the floor…where did it come from? It wasn’t there a second ago…Did it fall from the ceiling?! OMG, is there one in my hair??!!! Blech!@!*
July 4th, 2007 at 2:59 pm, Karen Says:
I just happended to hear about a natural way to get ride of them on a garden radio show yesterday. Get a length of garden hose and leave it overnight. They will hide in there as the sun comes up. Just after dawn, tip the hose into a bucket of 40 parts water and one part soap, and watch them DIE.
Gotta go change my Ethiopian baby who is covered in mashed yams at the top end, and you-know-what at the bottom end.
No earwigs, though.
July 5th, 2007 at 5:23 pm, Betsy Says:
I guess I should count myself lucky that’s it’s only my in-law that seem to be invading my house.
Just found your site through Sheri (My Minivan…). She was cool enough to include me in the group of “Rockin’ Blog Chicks” so I had to check you out. You are officially bookmarked and blogrolled.
Terrific Site!
July 7th, 2007 at 10:44 pm, julie Says:
Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard at your writing of it but shuddered at the actual story. I couldn’t even bear to click the link knowing it would be a picture, but then Weds night we were draining our little kiddie pool for the 4th day in a row and I commented about the perils of making a soggy yard too many days in a row. My dear husband doubted me, so I showed him your blog.
We’re both gagging a little everytime we think of it.
At least the homestudy was done, right?
July 9th, 2007 at 7:26 pm, sari Says:
THAT is totally gross. I hope you’ve killed them all by now!
I have to admit, I laughed out loud about the part when you told your husband there was one on his bum. classic! I would have been screaming.
July 18th, 2007 at 11:41 am, StorkWatcher Says:
I would not have thought I could ever share this story with anyone, yet it seems appropriate here.
One day last year, I was scurrying to get me and the baby ready to leave for a horse show, and I had to stop at the last minute, do a quick diaper change while I was still in my undies, then finish dressing so we could get on the road.
I thought I felt something funny, as I stooped to pick up the babe. But I kept on gathering up out things. made one trip out to the car, adn felt a definite tickle up my backside. Quickly scratched it through my jeans, assuming it was a wrinkle in my panties. Kept on moving.
Rushing, rushing, but this time babe’s getting fussy. Last trip round the house to get the diaper bag, and I REALLY Feel it this time. SOMETHING CRAWLING UP MY BACKSIDE! I’m envisioning tarantulas. Wolf spiders. or even worse.
I couldn’t put that baby down fast enough. Stripped off my not-so-easy-to-remove starched jeans (it’s a cowgirl thing) and down came the panties. OUT CRAWLED AN EARWIG! EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW it was trying to crawl down my butt crack (sorry for the vulgar term, but gosh it was!!!!)
I hate those nasty creatures!!!!
November 7th, 2007 at 1:45 pm, Fully Operational Battle Station » Countrytime Lemonade Anyone? Says:
[...] snake charmer had captured the creature. I shouldn’t be surprised, this wasn’t the first time he had protected our family and home from evil home intruders. I looked [...]