April 4, 2007
So, I don’t know if other adoptive parents get this question every 5 minutes like we do, but we get it often enough that we have started making up new responses just to shake it up a bit. The question is:
“WHY are you choosing to adopt?” sometimes it’s paired with “instead of having another child of your own?” and sometimes it’s just “Why would you adopt?”
We normally reply with a very politically correct and polite response like “We have always wanted to and decided it was the right time for us” (which is true). But, enough of that. We have decided to start answering the question with one of the following now:
“Well, we just aren’t that happy with the way our genes came together with Delaney”
“Mike and I have taken a vow of celibacy but we still want more kids”
“We talked about kidnapping, but do you know what the ramifications are if you get caught nowadays?!”
“Well, we aren’t really all that sure how we got the first one here. I mean, we’d like to have another one but we can’t figure out how it works. Can you help us?”
“Uh. Geez, I don’t know, do you know Babe? I guess we haven’t really even thought about that. huh. Good question.”
or
“Do you ask pregnant couples why they are choosing to get pregnant?”
I don’t mean to sound cynical (okay, maybe a little bit) and I realize that MOST people are asking out of sincere curiosity and are not meaning to be rude. But I still have a right to be annoyed about it, because it’s annoying.
It seems like a really personal question to ask someone so casually. To me, it’s like asking “Why are you choosing to be Mormon?” or “Why are you choosing to be Catholic?” or “Why did you choose to marry your husband?” you know? It just seems like one of those questions that people don’t really ask in the grocery store, but for some reason, when it comes to adoption, this question is considered a free-for-all. ASK AWAY! By all means! I don’t know you at all, but I guess that doesn’t matter!
One last point, who’s to say that our answer wouldn’t involve fertility issues (which is the case for many adoptive parents)?. What happens then? The questioner feels like a big idiot? I find it invasive getting the question all the time and I don’t even have to deal with being reminded that my innards don’t work properly with every conversation.
To sum up, adoption is hard to sum up. I think it odd that casual acquaintances and strangers find it normal to delve right into such an intimate, personal and private topic so flippantly. Get off me. I don’t know you.
That’s all. Carry on….
Jamie
P.S. We aren’t really going to use these responses. That would be rude.
Posted by Jamie @ 1:38 pm • adoption schmaloption
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April 4th, 2007 at 1:58 pm, Mom2One Says:
Rude perhaps, but hilarious.
April 4th, 2007 at 2:36 pm, Rae Says:
How ’bout: “Well, Delaney was a virgin birth and we just don’t want to screw that up now.”
I must be a real blabber mouth, because I just launch right into the whole story! Maybe I’ll change that when I have all my kids at the grocery store… Hmmm.
April 4th, 2007 at 3:35 pm, Ami Says:
It’s only just begun! Just wait til you have your baby boy in your arms and someone says, “What made you decide to adopt a black baby?”
April 4th, 2007 at 3:36 pm, Jen Says:
I love your responses and I, for one, may actually use one or two. I get soooo tired of that question, feeling like I have to justify it somehow. You’re right, it’s so personal yet people don’t get it. Perhaps a clever and thought-provoking reply will do
April 4th, 2007 at 10:42 pm, erin Says:
We haven’t gotten that one, so much as “why didn’t you adopt from (name your country, including U.S.), instead?”
To me it insinuates that we made the “wrong” choice. Sometimes I ask the person if THEY are interested in adopting from said country, because I’ve got a lot of information about it if they do. I don’t usually think fast enough, however.
e
April 4th, 2007 at 11:09 pm, Jennifer Says:
LOVE LOVE LOVE THESE! They remind me of my favorite response to when people ask a large family why they have SO MANY kids…..”we just really like sex!”
April 5th, 2007 at 1:06 pm, Ungrateful Little Bastard Says:
hahaha your answers are too funny. Oh tell them the celibacy thing, I dare you dare you double dog dare you.
April 5th, 2007 at 10:55 pm, Erin Says:
Use the responses. I’ve said to people before.
“My husband has big ears”
“Baby stealin is fun”
“awww did your lobotomy go well?”
Yes I’ve actually used those answers, all three of them when I’m feeling really snarky.
Oh and I do ask people ALL THE TIME why they choose to be mormon. But I’m a pretty rude person…….
April 6th, 2007 at 9:20 am, Anne Says:
Oh, I’m so glad I found your blog. We just adopted a daughter after having two bio. sons. I was also amazed at how many personal questions people felt totally comfortable asking. It just blew me away. The first question was always, “Did you have fertility problems?” Then when they found out we did not, it was often like we had just declared ourselves saints because we didn’t “have to” adopt. OY! I just wanted them to shut up for so many reasons. First, we’re not saints, second the children of parents who are infertile are no less loved and we are not one bit “better” than those people. My other favorite was after we brought out daughter home from Russia, “Oh, you got a good one. She’s cute and smart.” Eeeeek! She’s not a puppy! What in the world do people think?
April 8th, 2007 at 4:46 pm, LU Says:
Oh Jeez, its the same way on the other end… i actually had a lady once ask
“Are you to young?”
I really wish i had you around then to think up some clever answer to that. She even, after finding out that i was placing, asked if i would consider a friend of hers….
Some people!